by Frank D'Antuono
Everyone: TI Babies, we'll make our dreams come true...
TI Babies we'll do the same for you...
Spyder: I just defected
O'Reilly: I do the math
Erich: I blow up ships
Alistar: ALISTAR DANCE!!!
Xavier: I got a neat sword
Hex: I go everywhere
Treschi: I screw people over
Daimen: And I guard with care
King: I rule the galaxy
Marcus: Get your orders in by Thursday dammit!!!
Everyone: Yes Nanny.
Everyone: Were TI, TI, TI ,TI, Bay-Bay-Bay! Doo-wah-ooooo!
In the twisting, turning, world where we live,
There exist things that cannot be seen,
Even in the World Wide Web of the Internet,
There are worlds to explore in your computer screen.
Follow the flow of data, and please don't be lazy,
For in one tiny monitor's pixel, lies a place called the TI Babies...
In a tiny nursery, the TI Babies lived,
There was Daimen the robot, and Treschi who fibbed,
O'Reilly who built things, and Hex who got bored,
There was Alistar, Erich, Spyder,
And little Xavier, who fought with a sword.
Marcus the nanny kept them safe and well fed,
He loved them and washed them and put them to bed.
After a long day, on the couch he would plop,
Watching film after film, in his green striped gym socks.
In the nursery at times, great adventures were had,
All of them fun, but most of them bad,
For these eight little toddlers, these bundles of joy,
Loved getting in trouble, loved things to destroy.
But today was quite different, yes special indeed,
For the next few days, they would all be good seeds,
For Christmas was nearing, and to avoid getting nada,
They behaved, to avoid the ire of a fat man named Santa.
But beyond the nursery, all was not right,
There was a man dressed in black, who hated the sight,
Of the TI Babies, and all of their fun,
Of Christmas, of singing, and yes, even the sun.
He lived all alone, this man dressed in black,
Thus when he spoke, no one spoke back,
"I hate the TI Babies with all my black heart!"
"I hate Spyder and Erich, and that guy played by Mark!"
"I hate Marcus, and Miro, who's no longer here!"
"I hate Hex, I hate Treschi who drank all my beer!"
"I hate O'Reilly, and Alistar who acts like a tard!"
"And I even hate Daimen, who should be my guard!"
"These TI Babies are a pain in my side,"
"But every Christmas, I can do nothing but hide,"
"From their singing and dancing and presents galore,"
"So I drink lots of Nyquil, and for ten days do snore,"
"As they eat Christmas beast, and their friends all drink beer,"
"By the time I wake up, the New Year is here!"
All Christmas joy made him cringe in condemnation,
Because he was Rashaid King, Marshal of the Federation,
The meanest, most heartless man in all of known space.
He was evil to the core, but especially his face,
That twisted in pain as he watched the screen on his wall,
All because his heart was three sizes too small.
The King had great power, the King had great cunning,
But his black little heart barely kept his blood pumping.
And though he'd killed many, from emperor to cad,
He couldn't kill eight toddlers and their green stripped socked dad.
Though he ran the Federation, and himself kept it running,
He knew he couldn't stop this Christmas from coming.
"This year I'll stop Christmas, for once and for all,"
"And after I do, the New Year will fall,"
"Then I'll kill Easter, and Halloween next,"
"By then the High Holidays will have an axe in their chest,"
"Then Valentines Day, and Thanksgiving too,"
"The only problem is... I don't know what to do?"
The King became sad as he walked to his bed,
While visions of torture scenes danced in his head,
"I'll just sleep as usual, it won't be so bad,"
"Next month, project Leviathan will be at hand."
So he drank his Nyquil and put on his cap,
And then settled in for his long winters nap,
His head hit the pillow, and woozy he was,
With his head filled with evil, and also with drugs,
But within a few minutes, he awoke with a bang,
"Wait, hold everything, I have a plan!"
"I will stop this Christmas, I will stop their cheer!"
"I will stop the presents, and singing and beer!"
"They'll be no more dancing or eating of beast!"
"I'll bring them suffering on which to feast!"
"I will steal their Christmas, and with it their joy,
"I'll deprive them of everything, from sleigh bell to toy!"
"And if Old Saint Nick tries to get in my way."
"I'll kill all his reindeer, and tell people he's gay!"
With the plan in his mind, to give Christmas the jip,
He worked on a plan to steal a Star Control Ship.
"It must be very big, with a tough armored hide,"
"And it must have an independent gravity drive!"
"It must have grav lasers, to kill warships and ferries,"
"Ah, there it is... the EFS Ares!"
So onto the ship, he shuttled into,
In order to kill all its troopers and crew,
And die they all did, due to King's nasal sinus,
And the help of a genetically engineered virus.
Back in the nursery, all the kids waited,
Their joy of Christmas could not be abated.
They wanted their presents, they wanted to feast,
On sugar plums, cookies, and roast Christmas beast.
They sang and they danced, till the hour did chime,
Then Nanny Marcus said, "Okay, kids, it's bed time!"
"Tomorrow is Christmas, and the hour is near,"
"For Old Father Christmas to arrive with reindeer,"
"But he won't bring us presents, if you're all awake,"
"So go to your beds, or there'll be no Christmas cake!"
The children obeyed, and went to their room,
But lying in bed, a thought started to bloom,
Of presents, and singing, and good things to eat,
That's why none of them wanted to sleep.
So they asked each other quietly, so nanny wouldn't hear,
"What do you want for Christmas this year?"
"A DOLLY!!!" Al shouted. "A ray gun!" Hex said.
O'Reilly answered, "More porn to hide under my bed."
"More batteries?" Daimen nodded,
"A book," Spyder said, (boy what a loser),
Erich answered, "Command of a Long Beach-class cruiser."
"A scabbard for Kuar!" Xavier said,
They all looked at Treschi. "Duh... all my enemies dead!"
High above the planet, in an orbit real fast,
The King, in his space ship, descended to blast
All of the good things that brought Christmas cheer,
And replace them with crying and suffering and fear.
So down came the Ares, with its engines a-humming,
"This year," King cried, "I'll stop Christmas from coming!"
Then King got real angry, and started to steam,
When he saw a small blip on his lidar screen.
He pulled up a visual, then gasped out in fear,
At a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
Who yelled to King, "Stop it, you god awful prick!"
"I have many names, of which I could yell,"
"I'm Papa, Father Christmas, to the French: Pere Noel,"
"But please call me Santa, and if you protest,"
"Well, that is your right, 'cause you're under arrest!"
"For stealing this space ship, for killing its crew,"
"For all the evil to Christmas you're about to do!"
"For murdering millions, for scheming and scamming,"
"For ruining lives, for the souls you are damming,"
"Now come out, real slow, from the ship you've just stolen."
Santa gestured with the Lance Cannon he was currently holding.
King knew he was beaten, his brow furrowed down,
"I'll get you for this, one day, you red satin clown!"
But as he walked over to the escape pod's hatch door,
He heard an explosion he just couldn't ignore.
So he checked the ship's sensors, and just couldn't believe,
That Santa was gone, and his eight reindeer team.
So he checked the ship's weapons, 'cause before he had missed them,
"Opps, I forgot to turn off the ship's point defense system."
Then the King smiled widely, and laughed like an ass,
"Santa died as he lived, a big ball of hot gas!"
"I will stop this Christmas, I will stop their cheer!"
"With Santa now gone, I have nothing to fear!"
"Nothing can stop me, I'm running the show!"
"Now it's time to make like a whistle and blow!"
So on the King went, and in a great hurry,
The first stop on his list: the TI Babies nursery.
In an assault pod he launched, down the chimney he went.
(It wasn't really a chimney, but more of a vent)
But he made not a sound as he looted the home,
Of everything from presents to Daimen's fresh chrome.
He took their Christmas beast, and cookies, and cake.
He left the tree for last, but that was his mistake.
Into the foyer came a small little boy,
Sucking his thumb while his hands held a toy.
This boy looked at King, or whoever he was,
And the boy shouted out, "SANTA CLAUSE!!!"
The King thought quickly, and he planed in a jiffy,
A way to make the little kid think he looked spiffy.
So he used his mage powers, as great as he was,
And made himself look like Old Santa Clause.
"Ho, ho, I am Santa!" the lying King said,
"But you, my young lad, should be sleeping in bed!"
"I can't leave you presents, my furry little friend,"
"If visions of sugar plumbs don't dance in your head,"
"So go back to sleep, my commands you'll obey!"
Little Al looked up, smiled, and then said, "OKAY!!!"
The King grabbed the tree, and struck a fine pose,
Then, with the tree, up the chimney he rose.
He repeated the process all through the night,
Till finally there wasn't a Christmas in sight,
For the TI Babies, or anyone else,
To be honest, the King was quite proud of himself.
"I have stopped this Christmas, I have stopped their cheer!"
"I've taken their trees and their presents and beer!"
"So now they have nothing! Oh, isn't it great!"
"To watch their sad faces, I have only to wait!"
And so the King waited, for the Babies to wake,
To presents, and singing, and dancing, and cake.
And soon, they woke up, with mirth and with song,
That vanished when they saw all the presents were gone.
They looked for their tree, which they just couldn't find.
They looked for their feast, but found nothing but rind.
Their presents, all gone, decorations not there,
And every cabinet they looked at was bare,
So they all started sobbing, then crying commenced,
Until Marcus came out and said, "Stop this nonsense!"
"But Nanny, our tree, and our presents, and feast,"
"Today we won't eat our great Christmas beast!"
Marcus shook his head, filling the kids all with doubt,
"Kids, that's not what Christmas is all about,"
"It's about love, it's about sharing,"
"It's about friendship, and kindness, and caring,"
"It's not about presents, it's about being nice,"
"And relief we weren't crucified like our Lord Jesus Christ,"
"Who died on the cross, so we all could be free,"
"And kept all our souls out of Hell, don't you see?"
The kids looked around, and they all understood,
That the meaning of Christmas was goodness, and should
Be celebrated, without feasts, without trees or with candy,
And after all that, they felt right down Jim-Dandy!
And they started to sing, as Marcus joined in,
A song about virtues, and the evils of sin.
Aboard his spaceship, the King sat alone,
Moping and cursing, in his new captain's throne.
"I don't understand it, not a sob or a jeer,"
"For those morons down there, Christmas is here!"
"I took all their presents, but none of their cheer,"
"I have all their feasts, but they have no fear,"
"I have not stopped this Christmas from coming,"
"Even with hatred, trickery and cunning!"
"I cannot stop Christmas, but I must make them can it,"
"So I'll settle for destroying the entire planet!"
But as the King readied his weapons for fun,
From the East, in his orbit, he looked at the sun,
And so the TI Babies, and Nanny Marcus say,
The King's heart grew three whole sizes that day.
Said King, "Maybe Christmas doesn't come from a store,"
"Maybe Christmas means something so much, much more..."
* * * * *
"Wait a minute!" Rashaid King said. "What kind of super villain in an ongoing storyline would I be if I went soft now?"
He quickly went to the Ares' controls and selected targets of opportunity for his orbital mass drivers and three-meter grav lasers. He made sure the nursery was a primary target.
"Bah! Christmas is a scam anyway! And why the hell was I talking in rhyme for five pages?! I hate these holiday specials, especially parody crossover ones! Everything is topsy-turvy here. I'm from the year 2243 in orbit above 20th century Earth. I'm about to destroy the entire planet and my hated enemies, who are really the toddler versions of my real enemies from 2243. Not to mention the ridiculously large spaceship I'm in. Who wrote this crap!?"
He watched as the last few targets finally locked in. A sinister smile played over his face.
"This will teach them not to turn me into a Dr. Suess villain! Now all that's left to do is to hit the fire button. It's just a simple matter of reaching over here and pressing down," he said, reaching towards the ship's primary fire control button.
At the last moment, however, a noise from behind him made him spin around. He was shocked to find Nanny Marcus and his charges standing in front of him.
"What... you're not supposed to be here!" he bellowed.
Marcus scoffed. "We had a quick meeting with the Author, and he is extremely pissed off at you for disrupting the story like this. He sent us up here to give you a message."
A lump appeared in King's throat as sweat poured from his brow. "What is it?"
They all started closing in on him. "Say your prayers..."
* * * * *
The kids watched as the last little bits of what used to be Rashaid King floated off into space. It was a triumphant moment for all of them, but a bit sad as well. It marked the end of an era, after all.
"Man, I never figured he'd go down that easy," Xavier spoke.
"Yeah," O'Reilly agreed. "All that build up for nothing."
"You know, I like my super villain a bit more powerful," Erich joined in.
"And to think he was one of my role models..." said Treschi.
"BYE, BYE, SANTA!!!" Alistar said, waving goodbye to the floating chunks of debris.
"I'll admit it, I'm disappointed," Spyder said. "How about you, Daimen?"
Hex turned to Marcus. "What do we do now?"
"Well, we need a happy ending. In the Dr. Suess version, all the Christmas stuff was returned and everyone had a big celebration at the end."
"All the stuff King stole is still in the cargo bay," O'Reilly spoke up.
"Well, then, I guess we should bring all this stuff back with us and have a really big Christmas party. What do you guys think?"
"Yea!!!" they all replied.
"Okay then," Marcus said, "get ready to resume the story line in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1..."
* * * * *
So Christmas was saved, but too bad for the King,
Who almost liked Christmas, but trouble did bring.
For in love, he was poor, as poor as pauper,
And because he decided to fuck with the Author.
So Christmas went on, I do hope you're a fan,
And if not, then piss off, it's all part of the plan!
And the TI Babies sang, and they danced, and ate s'mores,
Because the villain in the series was no more,
And because it was Christmas, with fun stuff and cheer,
And because all their friends were passed out on beer.
And to the feast, all were welcome, from Grand Chairman to wino,
And Marcus carved the Christmas beast, which used to be a were-rhino.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!!!
Next Week's Episode: The Trouble with Tribbles