by Frank D'Antuono
Everyone: TI Babies, we'll make our dreams come true...
TI Babies we'll do the same for you...
Spyder: I just defected
O'Reilly: I do the math
Erich: I blow up ships
Alistar: ALISTAR DANCE!!!
Xavier: I got a neat sword
Hex: I go everywhere
Treschi: I screw people over
Daimen: And I guard with care
King: I rule the galaxy
Marcus: Get your orders in by Thursday dammit!!!
Everyone: Yes Nanny.
Everyone: Were TI, TI, TI ,TI, Bay-Bay-Bay! Doo-wah-ooooo!
Little Hex slowly opened the screen door in front of the house. I gotta be careful, he thought, Nanny Marcus won't like it if he sees what I brought home. He crept inside the foyer and peeked his head into the family room. Luckily, Nanny Marcus was busy watching his copy of La Blue Girl volume one.
"This is way too stupid to be arousing," Marcus said aloud. "Why does Frank like this crap? I mean, 'I'm a sex ninja from the Marasuki ninja clan?' Cartoons babes having martial arts sex with demons ain't for me. Screw it, I'll give this to him as a present next time I see him."
Satisfied that he hadn't been seen, baby Hex bolted for the nursery with his new possession.
"What's Marcus doing?" baby Xavier asked O'Reilly, who was spying on Marcus with his field glasses.
Baby O'Reilly's tiny brow was dripping with sweat. Oh my God! he thought. I had no idea that cartoons could be so erotic! I mean... sexy little ninja sluts masturbating in order to gain access to another dimension, a dimension filled with horny demons? That's genius! Oh man, this is so hot!
Xavier was getting impatient. "Come on, O'Reilly, what's going on?"
"Uh, nothing. He's just watching cartoons."
"Really? Cool. Is Dragon Ball Z on? That show kicks ass!"
O'Reilly snickered. "Nope, he's not watching that. I think its Sailor Moon."
"That show sucks! And so does anyone who watches that crap! Screw it, is Hex back?"
"He's almost to the door now... looks like he found something."
"Wow, it's so cute!" they all ejaculated. "Where did you find it?"
"I wandered off and found myself in the middle of a Star Trek convention," Hex said. "Some creepy fat guy dressed like a Klingon gave it to me."
"There's a Trek convention in town?" O'Reilly said, dumbfounded. "I didn't know that!"
"Dammit!" yelled Erich. "I told you we shouldn't have canceled the newsletter!"
"So, Hex..." Treschi asked. "What was this Klingon guy like?"
TWO HOURS EARLIER...
Little Hex milled around the various aisles, looking at all the tables the merchants had set up. To his left was a woman—at least, he thought she was—selling fake armor and weapons. To his right was a pale thin guy with glasses selling memorabilia. Merchants were selling dolls and props; some of them had hardware they claimed were fully functional from the show.
To bad the guys aren't here, Hex thought. Xavier, Erich, or O'Reilly would LOVE this place.
He was so lost in thought that he bumped into a grownup.
"Watch where you're going, you little Nurf Hearder!" the large man exclaimed.
"My name's not Kiddo... I mean, I'm not a Nurf Hearder! The name's Hex!"
"Oh... I'm so scared!" the man whined sarcastically. "I have awakened the ire of the great and powerful Hex! Oh, help me, Superman! Only your great Kryptonian powers can save me now!"
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"Listen up, you little cretin. You've not only made me spill my 64-ounce container of Mountain Dew, but it's also soiled my priceless recreation of the costume High Chancellor Galron wore in episode 0212 of Deep Space Nine. Your parents will now have to reimburse me."
"I don't got no parents," Hex said with shame.
The man's face lightened. "Oh, I see. An orphan, just like the great Worf, son of Mog."
"Never mind, prepubescent scum-bag. We will now adjourn to the Fire Caves of Beijor, where you will work off your debt," said the fat Klingon with the nametag with "HERB" written on it.
"The what caves of where?"
The pudgy man dressed like a Klingon warrior sighed. "My sales table over there."
After working at the table for an hour and learning far more about Star Trek, and how DS9 was a rip off of Babylon 5 than he ever wanted to know, Hex was ready to leave.
"Hex, my son," Herb said. "Before you go, I have a gift for you, for all your hard work you've done today."
"What is it? It's not one of those stupid Commander Riker key chains, is it?"
Herb scoffed. "I'll have you know, you miscreant little Ewok, that it is something far more valuable! Come here."
He took out a small armored box with many locks on it. When they were finally all unlocked, he pulled a tiny purring lump of fur out of it. Hex was fascinated.
"What is it?"
"It is the only know Tribble in existence, my son. I trust you will give it a good home."
"What's a Tribble?"
"You ignoramus, it's the animal that the USS Enterprise encounters in episode 00-17 of The Original Series. Best Episode Ever!"
Hex took the animal in hand. The instant it touched his flesh, he smiled.
"This is so cute! Thanks, Herb!"
"Your welcome, lad. Just remember, if you ever need a friend, I, Herbert Gergenstein, am in the phone book. However, my number is listed under the name 'James T. Kirk'."
"Uh... whatever, Herb, thanks for the pet."
Alone in his booth, Herb sat brooding. I'm so desperately lonely! Why can't I make any friends? Maybe I should take that Internal Security job my uncle was talking about. Well, at least that troublesome little thug will release the greatest evil ever created upon mankind! I love it when evil disguises itself by being cute...
"Wow, what a great story," said baby Xavier.
"And you tell it so well," baby Treschi added.
"And the little fur ball is so cute!" baby Spyder said.
"So, Hex, were they selling any functional Tricorders at the convention?"
"Shut up, O'Reilly!" they sang in chorus.
"So... what do you feed a Tribble?" O'Reilly asked.
"I don't know. Daimen, what do tribbles eat?"
Processing query... Tribble is a fictional animal from a television show from the 1960's. The television show in question is entitled "The Trouble with Tribbles". The Tribbles will consume any and all carbohydrates, then multiply out of control. The Tribble is a serious global threat. Conclusion: This episode is stupid, stupid, stupid!!! Everybody knows what Tribbles do, and several of the characters have been mentioned as being Star Trek fans. This level of pandering demeans us all... the author really needs to get his shit together!
"I'm getting my tin-plated ass out of here!" Daimen said as he left the nursery.
"What's up his butt?"
"I... don't know?" Erich said. "But I don't think we should feed the Tribble yet. I remember something about it being dangerous. Let me consult a few websites to see what it eats."
"Wait... I remember the rules!" spouted O'Reilly. "No sunlight, don't get them wet, and never feed them after midnight!"
"Hooray!" they all cried.
"Let's feed him the granola bars Nanny always tries to get us to eat!" said Treschi.
Alistar sniffed the air in the nursery; the scent of food was everywhere. He stealthily crawled around the couch a few feet away from a small purring ball of fur. Sniffing around the Tribble for a few seconds, he became satisfied that the tiny animal was no threat to him. Then, the baby werewolf pounced on his prey.
"Wait! Stop! Stop feeding the Tribbles!!!" Erich shouted.
The other kids stopped playing with their new pets. "Why?"
"Because, they breed at an exponential rate! There must be thousands of them by now!"
O'Reilly did a quick count. "But Erich, there's only eight of them!"
"What? That's impossible! They breed faster than rabbits do."
O'Reilly recounted with his calculator talisman. "Nope. Only these eight we've been playing with."
"But... how is that possible..."
Alistar wandered over to the rest of the gang, belly distended. "YUMMY!!!" he said, pointing to the Tribbles.
"Oh my God... Alistar... how could you?" Spyder wept. "They're so... cute..."
"Ah, who cares? Now we can play with them all we want and not have to worry about being overrun by voracious fur balls."
It was late at night. Nanny Marcus was winding down watching G.I. Joe: The Movie when the pitter-patter of little feet came towards him. He looked down to see a large furry blob on the floor.
"What the hell?" Then he noticed the furry blob had a face. "Alistar?!"
"NANNY... ME NO FEEL SO GOOD."
"Al, what did you eat?"
"Al, how many did you eat?"
"TWO TONS!!!" he said laughing, as gallons worth of partially digested furry meat spewed from his mouth.
Nanny watched helplessly as Alistar once again vomited on the rug he was planning on scotch-guarding tomorrow. "Dammit, Al! Can't you go one episode without puking on something!?" He looked down again at the mess. "We just can't have nice things, can we?"
Next Week's Episode: 2001: A Suck Odyssey