by Frank D'Antuono
Everyone: TI Babies, we'll make our dreams come true...
TI Babies we'll do the same for you...
Spyder: I just defected
O'Reilly: I do the math
Erich: I blow up ships
Alistar: ALISTAR DANCE!!!
Xavier: I got a neat sword
Hex: I go everywhere
Treschi: I screw people over
Daimen: And I guard with care
King: I rule the galaxy
Marcus: Get your orders in by Thursday dammit!!!
Everyone: Yes Nanny.
Everyone: Were TI, TI, TI ,TI, Bay-Bay-Bay! Doo-wah-ooooo!
Baby Daimen stood a silent vigil at the Earth Federation Team's flagpole. The Tech Infantry Team had recently broken through their outer defensive line and taken baby Erich prisoner. It was an epic melee. Daimen had only recently repaired the damage caused when baby Xavier rammed Kuar through his chest. Baby O'Reilly had come through all right, no small thanks to the protection his massive headgear had provided. The TI Team would have taken their Federation flag as well, if baby Treschi hadn't flanked them at the last minute. Even so, the action figures representing the Grand Council had perished. So Daimen stood there, collecting data on the goings on at the other end of the nursery.
Scanning... Five life forms detected. Life form one identified as Spyder, currently guarding outer perimeter... possible threat. Life forms two and three identified as Hex and Xavier, currently interrogating life form four... serious threats. Life form four identified as Erich, currently spilling his guts on our troop movements and strategies... serious threat. Life form five identified as Alistar, currently trying to eat the TI flag... unknown action... threat level inconclusive.
Behind Daimen, Treschi had the Grand Council dolls clutched to his chest as tears rolled down his face. "I... I personally guaranteed your safety. I failed you! (sob, sob) Oh, why'd you have to go and die on me!?" Then he broke down into a full bore crying fit.
"Come on, Treschi," O'Reilly said, trying to cheer him up. "There was nothing you could have done, man. If it weren't for you, they would have gotten our flag too. You did a good job."
Treschi stopped crying. "Really? (sob) Ya think so?"
"Sure, man. Now, let's work on getting that flag over there!" he said, pointing to the enemy.
"Okay O'Reilly, you're right. Let's make those bastards pay for what they've done!" His demeanor quickly changed as he pulled out a stack of paper. "I just happen to have a few ideas on how we can beat them." You sucker! he thought. I knew all that false remorse over the Grand Council would do the trick. They're just dolls, you idiot! Muhahahahahahah!!!
Daimen upgraded Treschi to an immediate galactic threat.
"Alright, you Fed piece of crap, talk!" baby Hex yelled.
"Never! I vill tell you nothing!" Erich replied.
Xavier looked put off. "Dude, you say that every time we ask you to talk! Then I hook up the wet-dry vac to your face and you start spilling your guts. You've already told us about the point defenses O'Reilly rigged on the North quadrant, his weakness for porn, the location of Daimen's off button, how Treschi is allergic to coconut, and the exact location of your flag. My question is: Why do you keep yelling at us?"
Erich bowed his head in shame. "You should not be torturing me like zhis. It is strictly forbidden by zhe rules of interplanetary war."
Hex pulled Erich's head back by his hair. "Screw you, 'Shake-n-Bake'! Xavier and I are non-combatants, thus the rules of war don't apply to us!"
Xavier powered up the wet-dry vac again. "That's 100% right!" He looked at Erich. "Now open wide..."
Baby Spyder stood alone manning the front observation post with only his Super Soaker H-90 to keep his company. The observation post consisted of a dozen or so couch cushions stacked together in a fort-like way. It was his job to fire on anything that moved and report it back to base camp, specifically to Major Dimiye.
Why did baby Alistar get to be the team leader? He can barely talk! I understand why Treschi got picked on the Fed side... but Al? I should have been chosen, at least then I would be able to keep Hex and Xavier under control...
As he cursed his lot in life, that of being the subordinate to a guy still in diapers and having teammates straight out of a Mad Max movie, movement appeared on the horizon.
"Halt!" he bellowed, noticing the figure moving towards him carried a flag of truce.
"Hello, Spyder, mind if we chat?" Treschi asked sweetly.
Spyder kept his weapon pointed at him. "Okay, but make it fast."
"I will, I just wanted to suggest a prisoner exchange."
Spyder was startled. "What the hell are you talking about? You don't have any of our guys."
"Oh, that is true, but I have something fare more valuable to you then men." Treschi then produced the box he'd been hiding behind his back.
Spyder was taken aback. "How... did... you... find... that?"
"You mean your illegal black market operation?"
"Shhh... keep your voice down!!!" Spyder said breathlessly.
"Little goody-two-shoes is really a black marketer! All the while you're leading a double life, when the records of your operation—and it's very well run, I might add—are hidden away in this My Little Pony lunch box."
Spyder pumped his weapon. "You have five seconds to hand that over!"
"I don't think so, Spyder. I have the matching thermos and it's contents hidden safely behind my lines. Give me Erich back, and your secret will be safe with me."
Spyder weighted his options. "Okay, give me a second."
"Guys, stop hurting Erich! Just let him go!" Spyder announced.
The two assassins shrugged. "Yeah, might as well. We've squeezed all the info we need out of him," Hex admitted. "To be honest... hurting him is starting to get boring."
"Okay then, Hex," Xavier said. "Spyder, take Erich back to his lines, but try and get something for him in trade."
"I'll do that!" Spyder blurted out.
"Okay, then... Hex, what does the plan say to do next?"
Spyder was shocked. "We have a plan?!"
"Yeah, little Al wrote everything out for us on this construction paper."
"Where is the Major now?" Spyder asked sarcastically.
"Taking a nap," Hex answered. "Now lets see what the next step is."
Spyder looked at the plan and scoffed. "Why did he write it out in crayon?"
"Duh, Nanny won't let him play with sharp things like pens and pencils."
Spyder buried his face in his hands. "Whatever, just have that crap figured out by the time I get back!"
Back behind friendly lines, Erich collapsed due to exhaustion.
"Erich!" O'Reilly went to him. "What did they do to you?"
Erich looked up. "Terrible things... terrible, terrible things!"
"Did you talk?" Treschi asked menacingly.
Erich sat up. "I told them... nothing! Although all that mouth torture seems to have ridden me of my German accent," he said unaccented.
Treschi looked unconvinced. "So you told them nothing, then?"
"Absolutely, they got no information out of me other than name rank and serial number."
"Huh. And what is your name rank and serial number?" Treschi asked.
Treschi then launched into his most powerful mental probing attack: The Titty Twister. As his mind probed Erich's, his hand brutally twisted Erich's young tender flesh.
"What did you tell them!?"
"Ahhhhhhhhh, nothing... I swear!"
"You told them everything, didn't you? You spilled your guts out!"
"No, no... please!"
Erich's resistance to the probe finally shattered; Treschi saw exactly what Erich had blabbed about. "You son of a bitch... you really screwed the pooch on this one!"
The three young warriors stealthily made their way around the couch into no man's land.
"Hey Spyder?" Xavier whispered. "What was with that girl's lunch box we got for Erich?"
"Nothing! Shut up!" he said in hushed tones.
"Okay," Hex whispered. "O'Reilly's right over there. Should we try to take him out?"
"Nope, I nearly broke Kuar on his headgear on the last raid. Spyder, can you mind-whammy him?"
"I'm not very good at it, and I can only do one thing. It's more of a distraction, really."
Xavier and Hex looked at each other. "Go for it, dude!"
Spyder cleansed his mind of all other thoughts as he looked at O'Reilly and tapped into his mind. Then Spyder silently started chanting to himself. The effect of the mental attack was soon obvious to his two compatriots.
"I am the very model of a model Major General..." O'Reilly started singing to himself.
Hex looked at Spyder. "Dude, that was totally gay."
"Yeah, but it worked," Xavier said. "Let's do this!"
Daimen went over to Treschi, who was currently slapping Erich around. He tapped him on the shoulder.
"What is it, Daimen? I'm busy here!"
"I have detected intruders within the compound."
"Our cardboard box fort," the android cleared up.
Treschi slapped Erich again. "This is all your fault!"
Suddenly, an object crashed into the box they were currently behind. It was O'Reilly, who had been all wrapped up in miles of duct tape. A second later, the three interlopers crashed through the ramparts.
"Surrender your flag, you Federation Sucks!!!" Hex bellowed.
Xavier looked at Daimen. "No way! I killed you! You tin-plated cheater!"
"Why don't you surrender to us!" Treschi bellowed. "Daimen, eliminate them!"
Daimen charged the intruders at full tilt. It would have been an epic battle, if Spyder hadn't come from behind and hit his off button. Daimen fell to the floor limply. They then moved in on Treschi.
"Screw these losers, I'll beat the three of you myself!" Treschi said as his body started to glow.
Hex pulled out a bag of Halloween candy. "Hey, Treschi, wanna snack?"
The light around Treschi faded. "No... not Mounds Bars... anything but that! Please..."
His words were muffled out as the three young warriors stuffed his face with the offending chocolate-covered coconut candy bars.
After the prisoners were all properly bound and gagged, Hex noticed something.
"Uh, guys, where's their flag?"
Xavier took the candy bar he was eating and waved it under Treschi's nose. "Okay Treschi, tell us where you hid the flag so we can end the game."
Treschi spat out his gag. "Never! I will never admit defeat!"
Spyder came running up to them. "Guys, our flag is missing!"
"No way, that's impossible!" He grabbed Treschi. "Where's our flag?!"
"I don't have it, honest!"
Nanny Marcus was in the family room watching The Matrix for the 57th time. He turned his attention away from the TV as little Al approached him.
"Al, why aren't you in the nursery playing with the other kids?"
His sad little face looked up at him. "NANNY... ALISTAR SICK!!!" With that, he vomited all over the family room carpet that really tied the room together. Amongst the numerous chunks in his lake of sick were two partially digested flags.
Nanny Marcus looked at Al and then at the mess he's just made. God I hate this job... he thought.
Next Week's Episode: The TI Babies Christmas Special