TI Babies IV
by Frank D'Antuono
Everyone: TI Babies, we'll make our dreams come true...
doo-doo-wah,
TI Babies we'll do the same for you...
Miro: I beat up people
O'Reilly: I do the math
Erich: I blow up ships
Alistar: ALISTAR DANCE!!!
Xavier: I got a neat sword
Hex: I go everywhere
Treschi: I screw people over
Spyder: And I just don't care
King: I rule the galaxy
NPCs: beep-beep-beep-BEEP!
Marcus: Get your orders in by Thursday dammit!!!
Everyone: Yes Nanny.
Everyone: Were TI, TI, TI ,TI, Bay-Bay-Bay! Doo-wah-ooooo!
This Week's Episode: Miro's Goodbye
Little baby Miro grooved around the nursery listening to the music playing on his Sony Walk-A-Man. As he danced, he sang the lyrics being played. This awoke the curiosity in baby Hex.
"Whatcha listening to, Miro?"
Miro shot him a glance. "Sonic Death Monkey," came the reply.
"Really? Are they anything like Raffi?"
A mischievous grin played on Miro's face. "I don't know, why don't you tell me." He quickly forced the headphones onto Hex's ears and turned the volume to maximum.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Take 'em off, take 'em off!" Hex cried. Unlike normal Walk-A-Men, Miro had O'Reilly rig his to go up to eleven.
Having regained his composure and his hearing, Hex asked a question about Miro's music. "Miro, what's a 'post mortem smegma'?"
Baby Alistar woke up from his noontime nap. He'd fallen asleep in the usual place, his crib. But this time, he woke up duct-taped to a chair. Confused, he looked around to see what was happening. All he saw was little Miro Creed.
"MIRO!" Alistar said happily.
"Hi Al, do ya wanna play a game with me?"
"GAME?" he queried.
"Yeah Al, a game. It's a really fun game, too."
Alistar bounced up and down as he nodded his head in the affirmative. "FUN WITH MIRO! FUN WITH MIRO!"
"Okay buddy, we'll play. The game is called hair cut", he said, producing a pair of dog clippers, "and I've been dreaming about doing this for months!"
Baby Erich looked at the game board in dismay. He was the nursery's undisputed champion of the strategy game Space Armada, but for some reason, he was losing to Miro. I don't understand, Miro usually sucks at zhis game. Sweat poured from his brow as he calculated his next move. Then he made his decision.
"Are ya sure that's what you wanna do, Erich?"
"Yes, what's wrong with zhat move?"
"Nothing, nothing, forget I said anything." Miro chuckled, rubbing his hands together. "Now what should I do next?"
Move your cruiser squadron to grid mark 110-AA, his other self reported.
"I think I'll move here," Miro said, following his other self's advice.
Something suddenly occurred to Erich. "Wait a minute... your nanobots aren't helping you cheat, are zhey?"
Miro looked hurt. "No, no, I would never do something like that to you."
Hee, hee, hee, his other self chuckled.
Baby O'Reilly entered the bathroom and locked the door behind him. And now it's time for my afternoon break, he thought as he produced the porno mag hidden in his overalls. He opened his copy of Eastern Bloc Bondage Queens and braced himself for impact. But something was wrong.
"Huh, these little black bars weren't here yesterday." He flipped the page to see more little black bars strategically hiding the good stuff. He kept flipping faster and faster until he reached the end. All the pictures had been censored. What's going on? he wondered. Then a darker idea occurred to him. "My stash!" he cried.
He ran into the nursery and jumped into Alistar's crib. He tore off the mattress and saw that his stash wasn't there. With relief, he remembered he'd changed his hiding place to his toy chest. He went over to his chest and punched in his security code on the electronic lock. His magazines were still there. "That's a relief," he said, sighing.
He chose one at random and opened it; it had been censored. One by one he checked them only to find they had all been censored. He was on the verge of crying. "Who could have done this to me?"
He grabbed his calculator and cleansed his mind of all other things, then pointed it at his electronic lock. Who broke into my toy box? He looked down to see his calculator's response. "Nanobot presence detected" his calculator read.
Tears welled up in his slanted little eyes. "MIROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"
Baby Spyder looked out the open window to the nest of robins right outside. "Hello Mrs. Robin, how are you today? Isn't it a fine day to be a bird?" The mother robin replied with a sweet song that whispered through the afternoon air. Soon, her chicks joined her, as did Spyder.
A minute later, Miro walked by to see Spyder hunched over the windowsill singing to the birds. He sounds just like a bird, I wonder if he can fly like one? Miro thought as he kicked Spyder through the open window.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Spyder screamed, landing with a wet thud.
"Whoa, I guess not," Miro said aloud.
Baby Treschi cam running over to Miro. "Dammit, Miro, I was going to do that!"
"Sorry," Miro said grabbing Treschi by the shirt. "Will this make up for it?" he said as he threw Treschi out the window as well.
Nanny Marcus walked in to the nursery. "Okay kids, time for dinner."
Hex ran over to him. "Nanny, we've got grievances!"
"Really?" he asked. "About what?"
"Miro!" they all replied.
"He threw me and Treschi out a window!" Spyder said.
"He's a big cheater!" Erich stated.
"I can't get the phrase 'Monkey Dong' out of my head!" said Hex.
"Really, kids? What'd he do to you, O'Reilly?" Nanny asked.
O'Reilly's cold eyes locked with his. "Vandalism," he said, mouth dripping with venom.
Just then, a small figure draped in blankets approached Marcus, only his smooth little face visible. Marcus picked up the shivering little blanket-wrapped baby. "Alistar... is that you?"
His sad little face replied, "NANNY... Alistar... so cold... so very, very cold."
"Miro, the other kids have all complained that you've done very bad things to them today."
Just then, Xavier joined the group. "He didn't do anything to me, Nanny."
"Opps, sorry about that," Miro said, unloading his twin Nerf 550's on him.
"MIRO, stop that! What do you have to say for yourself?" Nanny Marcus chided.
Miro looked down at his little combat boots. "I'm sorry, Nanny Marcus."
"Well, it's a moot point anyway. We found a family for you. Your new mommy and daddy will be here to pick you up in a few minutes."
"Really?" Miro said, eyes bright with hope.
Marcus chuckled. "No, not really. YOU'RE GOING TO MILITARY SCHOOL!"
Miro's mind reeled at the possibilities of this new fate. Military School? Well, I'd finally get to own some actual guns there... but the discipline, the instructors, having to shower two feet away from the other kids every day! "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Miro screamed.
As Miro fell to his knees sobbing, his other self chimed in. Bax, stop crying Bax.
He stopped crying. Shut up! The name's 'Miro', stay in character.
His other self continued. But Bax, you created this universe, you can do anything you want. Sure, it's Frank's story, but it's a derivative of your universe. You have Grandfather rights.
Little Miro came to his feet. "Yeah, I do, don't I?"
Suddenly, the nursery walls shook as a bright light streamed in through the windows. One of the nursery walls crumbled as the room was bathed in light. Everyone looked up to see a ship hovering towards them. After the ship landed, a doorway opened and dozens of beautiful red-headed supermodel aliens came out. They circled Miro.
"Oh, M. Creed!" one of the buxom space cuties squealed. "We need your sexy, badass powers to protect our planet 'Hot Babes 3' from the onslaughts of the dreaded uncool virus!"
Miro looked around at the dozens of supermodel aliens currently massaging him. "Oh man, I am so out of here!" he proclaimed.
And so it was that Miro Creed left the nursery to become the super-cool, sexy, badass ruler of the Hot Babes Empire, where he ruled for thousands of years with a just hand, and many sexy, badass babes at his side. But that's a story... for another time.
Next Week's Episode: Turkey Day!
