by Frank D'Antuono
Everyone: TI Babies, we'll make our dreams come true...
TI Babies we'll do the same for you...
Miro: I beat up people
O'Reilly: I do the math
Erich: I blow up ships
Alistar: ALISTAR DANCE!!!
Xavier: I got a neat sword
Hex: I go everywhere
Treschi: I screw people over
Spyder: And I just don't care
King: I rule the galaxy
Marcus: Get your orders in by Thursday dammit!!!
Everyone: Yes Nanny.
Everyone: Were TI, TI, TI ,TI, Bay-Bay-Bay! Doo-wah-ooooo!
Baby O'Reilly walked slowly through the darkness of the nursery to baby Alistar's crib. I gotta be careful, he thought. if I wake up baby Al, everyone will discover my secret. He looked down into the baby crib to make sure the little fur ball was asleep. Then he slowly slipped his hands under the crib's mattress. Okay, I just gotta get the porno mags hidden under his mat without waking him up. Ever so slowly, O'Reilly slipped the magazines out from under the crib one by one. It's amazing what you can buy with a credit card number over the Internet... He kept his possessions hidden under Alistar's crib for two reasons. One: He was a sound sleeper. Two: If they were ever discovered, nobody would care. Al was a doll humper after all.
With his pornography in hand, O'Reilly turned around to go back to bed. Baby Miro was standing right in front of him.
"Miro!" O'Reilly gasped, quickly hiding his porn collection behind his back. "What are you doing up? It's almost ten o'clock, that's past your bed time."
"It's past yours, too," Miro retorted. "Hey, what's that behind your back?"
"Oh... this?" O'Reilly fumbled. "It's just an... anatomy book I've been studying."
O'Reilly's bioelectric field showed that he was nervous, but Miro couldn't figure out why. Bookworm, he thought scornfully. "I'm glad you're awake, O'Reilly. I need your help with something."
"Really?" O'Reilly said, relieved. "What is it?"
"Come on, I'll show you."
O'Reilly followed Miro through the darkness to the nursery's TV.
"Why are we here?" O'Reilly questioned.
"The Ultimate Fighting Championship Finals are gonna be one pay per view in a few minutes," Miro answered. "I need you to unscramble it for me."
"Why do you need me? Can't you use your weird alien powers to do that?"
Miro frowned. "No, unfortunately my nanobots are incompatible with cable TV and PC technology. The only thing they can communicate with are me and stupid Power Macs!"
I heard that! Miro's inner voice chimed in. Give us a break, by the time you're older, we'll be much more useful.
"Bite me, you microscopic dweebs!" Miro cursed.
"What? Who are you talking to?" O'Reilly asked.
"Never mind, just get to work."
O'Reilly went over to his toy chest to retrieve his Fisher Price Tool Set and to drop off his porn. Then he went behind the TV and got to work. After a few minutes, he returned from the back of the TV. "That should do it."
Miro grabbed the remote and pushed the power button. "Alright, Ultimate Fighting Championship Finals, here we come!"
As the TV tube warmed up, they noticed that no sound was coming from the speakers. When the tube had finally warmed up, the words on the screen made Miro furious.
"Parental Lockout! God dammit!" Hey guys? he said to his other self, Can you handle a V-chip?
Yeah right, you wish, his voice replied.
"Fuck you!" Miro screamed. "I'll cut every one of you little bastards right out of me if you don't start making yourselves useful!"
Oh yeah? Good luck! his voice retorted.
As Miro was punching himself in the belly screaming, "Die, Die, Die!", baby Treschi came in with a big bowl of popcorn and sat down on the couch.
"Hey guys, want some popcorn?" Treschi offered.
"Treschi, what are you doing up?" O'Reilly asked.
"The Ultimate Fighting Championship Finals are on pay per view," he said.
Miro stopped punching himself. "It's no good dude, the parental lockout is on."
"You mean you guys don't know the password?" Treschi chuckled. He then proceeded to type in Nanny Marcus's password: 8, 6, 7, 5, 3, 0, 9. The screen flared to life.
"Alright Treschi, you da man!" Miro exclaimed.
All the noise had woken baby Xavier. "Do you guys mind, I'm trying to get some sleep!"
Treschi smiled. "No, I don't mind at all."
Before Xavier could say anything, Miro cut in. "Sit down Xavier, the UFC Finals are on!""Dude, really? Kick ass!" he exclaimed mirthfully and sat on the couch.
O'Reilly had the remote. "Okay, all the channels are unscrambled, what channel is it on?"
They all shrugged. "It's one of the pay per view channels," Miro said. "Just start flipping."
O'Reilly started channel surfing. "Ooh, a documentary about the Mir space station!"
"No!" the rest of the kids replied, and O'Reilly kept channel surfing.
"We must be close," Xavier said. "That movie we just passed isn't out on video yet."
O'Reilly flipped through a few more stations, then stopped. A small tear came to his eye. Oh glory of glories, he thought, oh eternal testament to the greatness of mankind's creation! It's... it's more beautiful than I'd ever imagined it could be!
"What is this?" they all asked him, eyes glued to the naked forms in front of them.
"This," O'Reilly said solemnly, "is the channel they broadcast porno movies on."
The four toddlers sat with their eyes glued to the naked images being broadcasted before them. After a few minutes, O'Reilly spoke. "I... have to use the bathroom. I'll be right back!" he said, running to the bathroom.
"What are those two ladies doing to each other?" Xavier asked.
"I don't know, but I kinda like it," Treschi replied.
"Hey, where did that one lady's hand go?" Miro asked. A minute later, the woman's hand reappeared.
"Wow!" they all exclaimed.
"She's got the biggest belly button I've ever seen!" Miro stated.
"Look, she's got two of them!" Xavier said. "A big one and a little one."
"Dude, they both have two belly buttons!" Treschi said.
"Wow!" they all exclaimed again.
O'Reilly quickly ran into the room, his PJ bottoms on backwards. "What'd I miss, what'd I miss!?" he said, jumping on the couch, stuffing a hand full of popcorn in his mouth.
Twenty minutes later, baby Hex woke up to get a drink of water. As he made his way to the bathroom, he stopped when he saw the faint light of the TV on. He walked over to investigate.
"What are you guys watching?" he asked.
None of them replied. He walked over, looked at the TV screen, and froze. Like a zombie, he walked over to the couch and sat down; never taking his eyes off the screen.
"Dude, that was the coolest movie I've ever seen," Miro said as the credits rolled.
O'Reilly smacked his palm on his forehead. "Oh man, we should have taped it!"
"Don't worry," Xavier said, "we'll tape the next one."
"What's the next one, Treschi?" Miro asked Treschi, his face buried in the TV Guide.
"It's called The Naughty Marshal," he replied.
"It's starting! Quick, hit record, hit record!" O'Reilly yelled desperately.
The opening credits rolled: The Naughty Marshal, staring Sarah Dunmeyer. A beautiful woman wearing the top half of an admiral's uniform and nothing else stood there with a gun in each hand. She was standing in front of several men wearing nothing but the top halves of naval uniforms. "Well, you boys have saluted me, it's time I returned the favor," she said, dropping to her knees.
"Wow!" they all exclaimed.
"I have to use the bathroom again," O'Reilly said, getting up.
"Again? That's like the fifth time tonight!" Miro replied.
"I, ah... drank too much grape juice at dinner," O'Reilly said quickly, then sprinted to the bathroom.
"Should we wake the others?" Hex asked. "They wouldn't want to miss this."
"No way," Treschi said. "They snooze, they lose."
Xavier marveled at the images on the screen. "How does she breathe when she does that?" he wondered aloud.
Miro had an epiphany. "Maybe she can breathe through her larger belly button?!"
"Wow!" they all exclaimed again.
"O'Reilly's been in the bathroom a long time," Treschi observed.
Hex sprang out of his seat. "Too bad for him, I gotta go now." He marched down the hallway towards the bathroom.
All of the sudden, the other kids heard the sounds of tiny footsteps rapidly approaching.
"So, he didn't let you in the bathroom, Hex?" Miro asked as he turned around. "Oh Jesus!"
They all whipped their heads around. Standing atop the back of the couch, drooling and wild eyed, was baby Alistar. He kept looking back and forth at them and the TV.
"No, Al, don't!" Treschi begged.
"Al, don't do it!" Xavier pleaded.
"Jesus Christ, no!" Miro prayed.
Alistar started making gurgling sounds as he jumped up and down. Then he started to stare at Treschi.
"Oh crap, help!" Treschi said, looking to his comrades for help.
"POPCORN!!!" Alistar yelled jubilantly as he dove head first into the large popcorn bowl. The three of them sighed in relief.
Soon afterwards, they heard the loud smack of a door slamming open. Then baby Hex ran into the room crying, with O'Reilly running after him.
"What happened?" Xavier asked
"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" Hex cried
"He bursted in on me in the bathroom!" O'Reilly admonished.
Hex pointed at him, sobbing. "What were you doing with that roll of toilet paper?!"
"Nothing! Shut Up! I was going number two!" O'Reilly yelled.
"But the roll was empty!" Hex sobbed.
"POPCORN!!!" Alistar exclaimed, the now-empty bowl resting on his head like a helmet.
Just then, the lights in the room came on. They all turned to see the form of Nanny Marcus in the doorway looking incredibly pissed off.
"What... in... God's... name... are you... kids... DOING!?!?" he bellowed.
O'Reilly was the first one to speak. He turned to the other kids. "It's a raid, RUN!!!"
Next Week's Episode: Miro's Goodbye