TI Babies XIII
by Frank D'Antuono
Everyone: TI Babies, we'll make our dreams come true...
doo-doo-wah,
TI Babies we'll do the same for you...
Spyder: I'm a bad leader
O'Reilly: I do the math
Erich: I blow up ships
Alistar: ALISTAR DANCE!!!
Xavier: I got a neat sword
Hex: I got religion
Treschi: I screw people over
Daimen: And cloning's my mission
Wall: I'm the head villain now
NPCs: beep-beep-beep-BEEP!
Marcus: Get your orders in by Thursday dammit!!!
Everyone: Yes Nanny.
Everyone: Were TI, TI, TI ,TI, Bay-Bay-Bay! Doo-wah-ooooo!
This Week's Episode: How I Spent My Hiatus Vacation
Nanny Marcus sat in the cold emptiness of limbo all alone. He couldn't remember how long he'd been there; time didn't have much meaning in limbo. But he knew it would only be temporary. The Author is coming back, he thought. This is just part of the plan he has for that other story line he's writing. He promised me he'd come back. I just have to hold out a little longer... Although he owed his entire existence to him, Nanny Marcus didn't trust Author Frank as far as he could throw him.
That bitch! He's gonna leave me here in non-existence, isn't he?! he thought for the thousandth time that day. Faith was an easy thing to have when things were going well, but Nanny Marcus's present situation seriously sucked. How would you feel if you didn't exist?
He's coming, he has to come get me; this is his only creative outlet. But then again, he does have the main story to write for. Oh... why couldn't I be the real Marcus instead of the ridiculous parody that I am? If I were the real Marcus, I could force Frank to use me in his stories...
His train of thought de-railed as light suddenly replaced the darkness of limbo. The ubiquitous illumination immediately blinded him as he covered his eyes in vain. As his eyes slowly adjusted to his new environment, he noticed a large bearded figure standing in front of him.
"Hello Marcus, long time no see," the Author told him.
Marcus dropped to his knees, arms akimbo, as tears of joy ran down his face. "Oh glory of glories! Oh eternal testament to the greatness of your creation! I knew you'd come back for me, Frank. I... I never doubted you for a second!"
"Yeah. Right," the Author said off-handedly. "Listen, Marcus, it's time to re-activate the TI Babies story line. But I guess you already knew that."
"Yeah... I kinda figured that's why you were here."
"Good. There's just one little snag we have to fix, then we can get on to business as usual."
"A snag? What snag might that be?"
"We have to find the rest of the characters."
"Huh? What do you mean? I thought they were here in limbo with me?"
"Did you see them in limbo with you?"
"Well, no, but..."
"Well, I guess that they weren't here in limbo with you, were they?"
"Sorry, I guess not. So, where are they?"
"I told you, I don't know?"
"How could you not know?"
The Author lowered his head in shame. "I, uh... lost them..."
"You what?!"
"I lost them. They could be literally anywhere at this point."
"How in the ever-living fuck could you lose them!?"
The Author became immediately defensive. "Listen, pal! I had a lot of other stuff going on during this hiatus! So I didn't have the time or the energy to look after those atrocious little bastards, okay?"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa... settle down there big fella. It's all good, we'll just go and find them."
"Correction: you'll just go and find them."
"What? Why me?"
"Who's their primary care giver?"
Marcus looked down in disgust. "I am."
"And who is responsible for their safety and well being?"
"I am."
"And who will be sent to prison if they should run afoul or get hurt?"
Marcus looked up. "You wouldn't dare!"
"You better believe I would. Besides, an episode entitled Nanny Marcus Drops the Soap would be good for ratings."
Marcus quickly considered his options. "Okay, I'll find them for you."
"Good, I thought you'd see things my way."
"Just tell me how."
The Author shook his head. "Marcus, don't you remember what happened when you visited the Hot Babes Empire?"
The mere mention of his visit made him start to drool. "It's all kinda hazy, but yes."
"Then use your Super Sayian Mage powers. Duh!"
"Mon General?" one of Napoleon's adjutants queried. "What are your orders, sir?"
The General held his gaze forward towards the legions of soldiers under his command. After ignoring the man's question for long enough, he spoke. "Jacques, my friend, leave me to my thoughts. I must be alone in order to prepare for the battle to come."
"Oui, mon general!" he said as the rest of his camp rode away in order to give the general his space. Once they were all out of ear's shot, Napoleon went back into his tent and opened a small trunk. It's only contents were a small boy.
"Erich!" Napoleon yelled. "Wake up!"
The small boy sat up and rubbed his eyes. " (yawn) what time is it?"
"It's daybreak, the battle will start soon. Now tell me, Erich... what should I do?"
"No! I refuse to direct your battles for you anymore!"
"Danm you, boy, you will tell me how to win this battle!"
"Fuck you! You haven't fed me in days or taken me out of this stupid trunk! You want military strategy? Fine, but I have a few conditions first."
The general was taken aback. "Like what?"
"First of all, you need to start bathing more than once a week."
The mighty general grimaced at the very thought. "Alright Erich, I suppose I could do that for you."
"And food! I need lots and lots of food! I'm not talking about the table scraps you slide to me after dinner. And I want out of this stupid trunk!"
"The food, I will get you. But you must hide in the trunk."
"Okay, then I demand at least two more air hole be installed."
"Done. Anything else?"
Erich thought for a moment. "Yes, tell Lieutenant Reno to stop using me as a place to rest his fat ass during meal times. He has horrible gas."
"Deal. I'll have my servants deliver food immediately. Now, tell me how to win this battle."
Erich was about to speak when a bright golden light shone outside the tent. The general whirled around to find the form of Super Sayian Nanny "Mage" Marcus there.
"Give the child to me!" Marcus roared.
"Never! The boy and his brain are mine!"
"So be it..." Marcus raised his hand and tapped the general with his pinky finger, instantly breaking his nose.
"Ach... my sinus cavities! Now they will be susceptible to infection!"
Marcus turned to Erich, who was cowering in the trunk. "Erich, are you ready to go home?"
Erich looked up at him. "Oh God, yes!"
Daimen silently snuck up to the stately home of his target. His programming ordered him to collect a subject with incredible powers of logic and deduction. Within this manor house lay the greatest mind ever known to man. Subject Found: Sherlock Holmes. Threat Level: Minimal.
"Watson," Holmes said, "the oddest thing happened to me today."
"Really, Holmes? What was that?" inquired Watson, sitting comfortably in his arm chair.
"I came about an attractive young woman when I went to the corner market. She recognized who I was, and we started chatting for quite a long time."
"Really, Holmes?"
"Yes, Watson. So after talking with her for quite awhile... I asked her if she'd like to accompany me to the theater some time in the immediate future. I deduced that she was quite taken with me, you see."
"Yes, Holmes... go on."
"Well, the question took her aback. She just stood there with her mouth open in shock. Then she told me that she'd love to, but..."
"But what, Holmes?"
"Well, Watson, if you must know... my question surprised her because she thought I was a poof."
Watson looked at Holmes sideways. "You mean... you're not a poof?"
Holmes turned red with anger. "Certainly not, don't be ridiculous!"
"Well, I thought you were a poof."
"Watson!"
"Oh come now, Holmes, what you do with other men in the privacy of your own home is none of my affair. Are you sure you're not a poof?"
"No, I am not!"
"Sure? Or that you're not a poof?"
"I am quite sure that I am not a poof."
"Then how come you're not married yet?"
Holmes shook his head. "Watson, the reason I summoned you here tonight wasn't to discuss my preferences in regards to mating partners."
"Well... you brought it up."
"I know I did, and I apologize. The reason I asked you here tonight is there's a killer cyborg outside the house that plans to abduct me."
Watson bolted upright. "Jumping Jesus Christ, Holmes!"
Target is aware of primary objective. Target has informed subject Watson of primary objective. Conclusion: Subject Watson must be eliminated, maximum force authorized.
"Holmes, how do you know a killer 'cyborg' is trying to abduct you?"
"Well it's quite simple really, Watson. You see..."
His words were cut short as a massive plasma explosion obliterated the house. Holmes was catapulted skyward, then plummeted earthward, landing safely into the arms of Daimen.
"What... who are you?"
The diminutive cyborg said nothing. A smoldering carcass that used to be Watson landed near the two with a wet thud.
"You murdering little bastard! You incinerated Watson!"
Just as Daimen was about to subdue his quarry, a glowing golden figure rocketed towards them from the sky.
"Daimen!" Marcus commanded. "Let Mr. Holmes go and come back home!"
Daimen examined the situation. Subject: Nanny Marcus. Power Level: Immeasurable. Threat Level: HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!! Conclusion: Do whatever the big glowing freak says...
Treschi was in trouble, big trouble. He figured that his intellect had grown to the point that he could outwit even the greatest minds in the universe, even though he hadn't hit puberty yet. Although his nemesis suffered from the same setback he did, he'd figured wrong. He was reminded of this as another kick landed squarely upon his testicles.
"I'll ask you again, M. Treschi," Ender Wiggins said. "Why are you here?"
Treschi managed to catch his breath. "I... I told you. I'm from another story line and just wanted to control and manipulate you to do my bidding."
Ender kicked him in the genitals again. "Bullshit! Why would anyone do something as stupid as that?"
"Hey, man..." Treschi said, spitting up a little blood, "I... I didn't know you were this good! I'm way out of my league here. So if you'd just let me go... I'll go back to limbo now."
"I don't think we'll be doing that. A few questions: How did you escape limbo? Where is your universe located, and what's its technology level? Is it inhabited my a species of intelligent bugs? And why the hell would you want to take control of this reality?"
Treschi answered the questions in order. "Uh... I escaped limbo while the author wasn't looking, my universe in located in the sci-fi role-playing fan fic section, tech is about equal to yours, and yes, we have intelligent badass bugs."
"And why do you wish to rule this reality?"
"I can't help it if I do mad things... it's my nature."
"Well, Andrea, I'll level with ya. I've got enough prepubescent scum trying to kill me on this space station already. The good thing about eliminating you is you won't be missed, I'm guessing, by anybody. So when I get back, it's the garbage airlock for you," he said, walking out of the room.
Treschi searched his mind desperately for a way out of this mess, but came up empty. His body relaxed for the first time in days as he just gave up all hope. Moments later, he noticed a golden light in the corner of his vision.
"Treschi? What are you doing here?" Marcus asked him.
"Nanny! I, uh... I got lost. I was trying to go home."
"Well, let's get you out of those ties and get you home, then."
"Well, if you think that's best..."
Xavier stood over the broken frame of his latest vanquished enemy. He was happy, happier than he ever remembered being before. This is the life... he thought, unzipping his fly to piss on his enemy's remains. Finished emptying his bladder, he turned to see what Hex and Malachi were up to.
"Hey guys, what's up?" Xavier greeted them.
Hex turned to him. "Just whipping up a little dinner. Who'd you kill back there?"
Xavier smiled. "Not really sure. It was either Deputy Dog or Huckleberry Hound. He never gave me a name."
"Yeah," Malachi said, "all these Hanna Barbara sucks look alike to me, too."
"Speaking of which, who are we eating tonight?"
Hex smiled. "Tonight we dine of the flesh of Dino the pet dinosaur. Courtesy of the Flintstones."
"I thought this was Captain Caveman?"
"No dude, we killed and ate him last week. This is Dino," Hex answered.
"That can't be Dino, dude, he has fur."
"Well, it ain't Captain Caveman... maybe he's Magila Gorilla."
"He's too big to be Magila, and he's purple. I got it! We're eating Grape Ape."
"Oh yeah," Malachi stated. "You remember, Hex, right before we blasted him he kept saying, 'grape ape, grape ape'."
"Dude, whoever thought killing and eating cartoon character would be so much fun!"
High overhead, watching, was a figure engulfed in golden flames. He swooped down upon the group, startling them.
"You little monsters..." Marcus said, barely containing his rage. "We leave you alone for a few weeks, and you little cannibals decide to kill and eat over half of the Hanna-Barbara Kingdom!?" The flames around him erupted to twice the intensity. "You three have no idea how much trouble you're in!"
"Well done, Marcus," the Author boomed. "You found them all in record time."
"Thanks, Frank, it's no sweat when your kung fu is the best!"
"Right... did any of them give you any trouble?"
Little Alistar took a step forward. "I object to this abduction! O'Reilly and I were very happy where we were."
The Author looked puzzled. "Where was that?"
O'Reilly stepped forward. "We both got tenured positions in a medical research facility in the beautiful San Fernando Valley."
"Yeah, we were this close to finding a cure for cancer! Thanks a lot, asshole!"
"Hey!" the Author bellowed. "Don't make me turn you into a drooling simian."
"You might as well, I play one on TV."
Marcus interrupted the squabble. "Please Al, big floating Frank, don't fight. We're all back together again..."
"Yeah, 'till death do us part," O'Reilly said bitterly.
"Shut up! This is a joyous occasion! We should be celebrating, dammit!"
The Author shook his gargantuan head. "Your right, Marcus, the gang's all here. Let's have a party."
"Wait a minute!" Erich cried. "We're still in limbo, and you want to party?"
"I always wanna party," the Author replied.
"But what about this week's episode?" asked Spyder.
"Screw it, we'll do it next week. Until then..." With a wave of his hand, a swinging party replaced the nothingness of limbo. "LET'S PARTY!!!"
Marcus started dancing like a white boy with a bottle of cider in his hand. Yeah, he's cruel, deranged, and has a god complex, but sometimes... it really pays off.
Next Week's Episode: My Special Valentine
