by Frank D'Antuono
Everyone: TI Babies, we'll make our dreams come true...
TI Babies we'll do the same for you...
Spyder: I just defected
O'Reilly: I do the math
Erich: I blow up ships
Alistar: ALISTAR DANCE!!!
Xavier: I got a neat sword
Hex: I go everywhere
Treschi: I screw people over
Daimen: And I guard with care
King: I rule the galaxy
Marcus: Get your orders in by Thursday dammit!!!
Everyone: Yes Nanny.
Everyone: Were TI, TI, TI ,TI, Bay-Bay-Bay! Doo-wah-ooooo!
The kids were all in the car with Nanny Marcus.
"Where are we going again?" baby Hex asked.
"For the last time kids, WE'RE GOING TO CHURCH SO YOU CAN WORSHIP OUR LORD AND SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST!!!" Marcus bellowed.
This response confused many of them.
"But Nanny, I think Alistar's a Buddhist," baby Spyder said.
"Yeah, so am I," baby O'Reilly spoke up.
"Church does not compute," baby Daimen's monotone explained. Smoke started to pour out of his ears as his head whirled around and sparks flew out of his mouth.
"Ah, man, I just fixed him! Nanny, please, no more theological discussions in front of you-know-who," O'Reilly stated, pointing to Daimen.
"Alright, listen up maggots! We're going to church and you demonstrative little heathens are gonna behave, understood?!"
"Yes Nanny," they all replied.
They were all in the church cry room with Nanny Marcus because they arrived too late to get good seats. The cry room was really living up to its name today. A dozen screaming babies with a dozen near-catatonic mothers were there with the gang. It was driving Xavier crazy.
"Nanny, I can't hear what the guy is saying!"
"He's called the Pastor, and he's talking about the virtues of obedience to one's elders."
"What a load of crap!" baby Xavier said, and Marcus smacked the back of his head.
"Nanny, I am a Presbyterian," baby Erich said. "Zhis is a Methodist church, is zit not?"
"Same difference, Erich. Now pay attention!"
"JESUS, JESUS, JESUS!!!" baby Alistar exclaimed.
This outburst gave baby Treschi an idea. "Nanny, this might be a little too much stimulation for Al here. Maybe I should take him outside for a drink of water."
"Okay, Treschi, but come right back," Marcus said as he went back to the service. Thus, he never saw all of them slip out the door.
"Oh man, that was pure torture!" Hex said.
"I know!" Treschi started. "All that screaming and crying, and that guy up there who would not shut up! God, everything out of his mouth was 'Jesus this, Jesus that'!"
"I kinda liked it. Minus the screaming of course."
"Shut up, Spyder!" they all yelled.
"Guys, vhere is Alistar?" Erich asked.
O'Reilly turned to Daimen. "Daimen, where is Alistar?"
He quickly processed the inquiry. "He is currently inside that room."
They all looked at the door Daimen was pointing to. Opening it, they all filed into the church sacristy.
Where are those kids? Marcus wondered. He'd noticed that his flock had gone missing a few minutes ago. He was furious. So much so that the screaming of the children in the room was really getting to him. He spotted an empty place in a pew through the window, so he left the cry room to go sit with people who had hopefully all grown out of diapers.
"Is this seat taken?" he asked quietly.
"It sure as shit isn't! Have a seat pal!" the pale man in uniform said loudly.
"Thank you..." Marcus quickly read his uniform for name and rank, "Lieutenant Fabin."
"Ah, no fucking problem man!" he said in a very loud voice. " The more the merrier!"
"Daimen, where is he?"
Daimen did a detailed scan of the room. "He is inside that box."
O'Reilly went over to the box in question. It was locked.
"Allow me," Xavier said, pulling out Kuar. With one masterful stroke, the lock was broken.
"Good job, Xavier," O'Reilly said.
"Thanks, I've been practicing a lot. Plus all this church stuff just makes me wanna start smashing things!"
O'Reilly carefully opened the box. Inside was the bloated form of Alistar and what was left of the communion wafers and wine. "SO... FULL!" Alistar announced.
"Alistar, gluttony is a sin!" Spyder cried. "And you've deprived everyone else of communion! I hope you're happy with yourself."
Alistar looked up. "NO... MORE... JESUS," he said weakly.
"Please, Spyder, he's too little to know what he's doing is wrong," Erich stated.
Daimen looked at Alistar and upgraded him to a possible threat.
"You suck!" Lt. Fabin yelled.
Marcus was annoyed at this man who had been heckling the pastor for the entire sermon. "Lieutenant, please, others are trying to enjoy the service."
"Ah c'mmon, pal, this guy sucks!" Fabin retorted, ignoring the many loud shushes he'd been getting from the fellow parishioners.
The pastor had finally had it. "Brother, perhaps you'd be happier worshiping at another congregation?" he said, barely containing his anger.
"Fuck you, Padre! I've been coming here since I was a kid. You're the new guy here. Just who the hell are you supposed to be?"
"I am your new pastor, Carlton Reks. Do you have a problem with that?" he seethed.
"Yeah, I do. Your benediction was crap! I can't wait to see how bad you fuck up the communion."
"Oh, we'll see about that! Alright everyone, its communion time!" Reks turned to an acolyte who whispered something into his ear. He reluctantly turned back to the congregation. "Brothers and sisters... it seems that... someone... or some persons... have taken all of the communion wafers and wine."
"Ha, I knew it! You suck!"
"Okay, that does it!" Reks screamed, pulling out a sword from under his robes.
Fabin stood up. "Alright, bring it on! Me and my buddy here with the freaky stripped socks are gonna kick your ass!"
Marcus slouched down into the pew, trying to make himself as invisible as possible.
"O'Reilly?" Daimen said.
"What is it Daimen?"
"What activity is Treschi currently engaged in?"
O'Reilly looked at Treschi, whose pants were down. "He's unholying the holy water."
Daimen upgraded Treschi to a possible planet-wide threat.
O'Reilly turned. "Hey guys, is Al done puking yet?"
Hex looked over to him. "Not sure... every time we think he's done, he come up with more. I think he puked up his spleen a minute ago."
Suddenly, an adult in strange clothing came into the room. "Hey, you kids aren't supposed to be back here!"
Spyder put on his best puppy-dog face. "Our friend got sick, he's not done yet."
"Oh little fella, you should have brought him to the bathroom then, you silly little goose," he said sweetly. "I'll just help you... OH DEAR GOD!" He'd seen Alistar's sick.
Erich thought quickly. "Oh no, zhe pope!" he said pointing behind the man.
"Huh?" he said, turning around.
"RUN!" Erich screamed.
They ran into a room and locked the door behind them. "Oh man, we're so screwed!" O'Reilly panicked. "Those Jesus freaks are gonna eat us alive for what we did!"
Just then, someone started pounding on the door. "Come out of there, you little hellions! Tell us what you did with the communion!" A second later, they could hear the lock on the door being worked.
"Oh no, were dead," Hex screamed like a girl.
"No were not, I've got a plan," Treschi announced, grabbing Erich.
"Great! Vhat is zhe plan?"
"Don't worry, I saw it in a movie once," Treschi said, gouging a hole in each of Erich's palms with a penknife.
"Ahhhhhhhhhhh!" Erich screamed, falling to his knees. "Vhat movie was zhis in!?"
"Stigmata," Treschi replied.
Just then, the door burst open. The man leading the charge had a black eye, a fat lip, and blood was trickling out of his nose. Although his clothing was ripped to pieces, they could tell that it was the church's pastor.
Before he could speak, Treschi cried out, "He is the Messiah!", pointing at Erich. The entire gathered crowd fell to the floor groveling, except Reks.
"Ha! You must be in league with that lieutenant who ruined my mass! This boy isn't the Messiah!"
"Oh yeah, why not?" O'Reilly taunted.
"Because the real Messiah would have more than two stigmata wounds!"
Treschi whispered to Erich, "Put your feet together."
"No!" Erich cried weakly.
"Come on Erich, don't be a little wuss," Hex scolded.
"Why do you guys always hurt me?"
"Come on, Erich, take one for the team," O'Reilly whispered.
A second later, Daimen came from behind Erich and slammed a crown of thorns onto his head that he'd acquired from a nearby statue.
Treschi didn't miss a beat. "He is the Messiah!" he bellowed as Daimen upgraded him to a possible galactic threat.
"JESUS, JESUS, JESUS!!!" Alistar yelled, pointing, then promptly threw up again.
Reks wasn't convinced. "There is only one real way to settle this argument." He folded his arms in prayer. "Oh Lord, please reveal to us if this child is truly your holy vessel on Earth," he prayed, pointing to Erich who was bleeding on the floor.
A second later, the entire church started to rumble. The roof flew off to reveal a large brown haired, bearded figure, floating in the clouds.
The man in the sky spoke. "OH YEAH, HE'S THE REAL MESSIAH ALRIGHT! YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT!" it said, giving a thumbs-up gesture. "NOW, MY CHILDREN, WOULD YOU PLEASE REMOVE THIS NONBELIEVER FROM MY HOUSE?" it said, referring to Reks.
"Oh please, Lord, forgive me!" Reks's words were drowned out when the congregation dragged him out of the room.
The kids were left alone in the room. Treschi looked up. "Thank you, almighty author!"
"DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. OH, DAIMEN?"
"THE CROWN OF THORNS WAS A REAL NICE TOUCH."
"Thank you, non-descript deity."
With that, the man in the clouds disappeared. A second later, someone entered the room.
"Hey, any of you kids see a big freaky-looking guy wearing a pair of freaky-looking stripped socks?" Lt. Fabin asked.
"Why?" O'Reilly asked.
" 'Cause," he said, slamming a fist into his other hand, "I owe him a beat down for not backing me up in a fight!"
They turned to one another. "Nope, haven't seen him."
Satisfied with the response, the Lieutenant left.
As they were leaving the church, Xavier heard a voice whimpering. "You guys hear that?"
"What?" they asked.
"It sounds like it's coming from the pipe organ."
They approached the pipe organ.
"Kids, is that you?"
"Nanny?" they all exclaimed.
"What are you doing in the pipe organ Nanny?" Spyder asked.
"It's a long story kids, but I think some psycho Marine is out to get me. Xavier, can you cut me out of here?"
"Yes!" he said with glee, powering up Kuar.
"Nanny, what happened to you?" O'Reilly asked.
"I'll explain when were safe and in the car. What's wrong with Erich?"
"He is the Messiah," Daimen explained.
"Nanny, do we have to do this every Sunday?" Hex whined.
"Oh, don't worry kids. After today, I think it's safe to assume that we've all been excommunicated."
Next Week's Episode: A Much-Needed Vacation