TI Babies I

by Frank D'Antuono


Everyone: TI Babies, we'll make our dreams come true...


TI Babies we'll do the same for you...


Miro: I beat up people

O'Reilly: I do the math

Erich: I blow up ships


Xavier: I got a neat sword

Hex: I go everywhere

Treschi: I screw people over

Spyder: And I just don't care

King: I rule the galaxy

NPCs: beep-beep-beep-BEEP!

Marcus: Get your orders in by Thursday dammit!!!

Everyone: Yes Nanny.

Everyone: Were TI, TI, TI ,TI, Bay-Bay-Bay! Doo-wah-ooooo!

This Week's Episode: The Cookie Jar

Baby Hex looked up at the impossibly tall bookshelf to the jar of forbidden cookies resting at the top of it.  I bet those cookies taste really good! he thought.

The black leather form of baby Miro came behind him and placed a gloved hand on his shoulder.  "Don't even think about it kiddo, you're way too small to get to those cookies."

"Don't call me kiddo!" Baby Hex yelled.  "My name is Hex!  You wait and see, once I develop my mage powers, I'll get all the cookies I want."

"Yeah, whatever," Baby Miro replied.  "If anyone is gonna get those cookies, it gonna be me," he said brandishing his mated pair of Nerf 550 Blaster Cannons with the laser sights.

"What makes you think you can get the cookies?" Baby Hex asked.

"Cause when I grow up, I'm gonna be a total badass!  I'm gonna get me a job as a body guard, and have sex with all the hot chicks I'm supposed to be guarding!" Baby Miro boasted.

"Eeww, girls are gross!  Just like what baby Alistar is doing to his dolly," Baby Hex said as they both turned to look at baby Alistar.  He was a furry little thing wearing nothing but a cloth diaper with the words 'Born to Kill' scrawled on it in crayon.  He was doing what he usually did when he wasn't eating or getting the gang into trouble.  That was humping his NPC dolly named Corporal Tess.

"Hey Alistar, give her a rest will ya?" Baby Miro said.

"GROOOOWL!!!!" Baby Alistar bellowed to indicate the negative.

"I sure hope you guys aren't thinking about eating those cookies," Baby Spyder said.  "Those are for desert, you don't want to spoil your appetites, do you?"

"Okay, when I get the cookies, I won't give you any.  I wouldn't want you to spoil your appetite," Baby Miro said mockingly.

"Don't you remember what Nanny Marcus said about those cookies?" Baby Spyder reminded them.  'Now remember kids, those cookies are for after dinner, so no one better eat any. If you do, I'll deduct five experience points from you!' "

"Hey, are you guys talking about the cookies?" Baby O'Reilly asked.

"Shut up tubby, you don't need any more cookies!" Baby Hex said angrily.

"Yeah, Mayor McChink, you need to go on a diet anyway," Baby Miro said.

"Hey, it's not my fault I'm so big, it's a glandular thing.  Nanny Marcus said so."

"Really O'Reilly, none of us should even be talking about those cookies," Spyder said.

"Shut up!" the three of them replied.

"Okay, O'Reilly, how would you get those cookies?" Miro asked.

He thought about it for a minute.  "Well, if we switched the polarity of the quantum flow of the structure and added an inverse vector to our trajectory towards the cookie jar, then we could induce a phased, multi-Newton force against the horizon plane while simultaneously shifting our point of origin to intersect a paraboloid of some kind," Baby O'Reilly said matter-of-factly.

Hex and Miro stared at him dumbfounded.  "What the hell does that mean?!" Miro said.

"I think the word 'cookie' was in there somewhere," Hex said.

O'Reilly sighed.  "We tip over the bookshelf and catch the cookie jar in a blanket."

"Fucking excellent, let's do it!" Miro yelled.

"You're not supposed to swear!  I'm telling!" Spyder said.

"Shut up!" Miro bellowed as he proceeded to pummel Spyder.

"No, no, no.  Zhat plan vill never verk.  Nanny Marcus vill hear zhe bookshelf fall," Baby Erich said.

"Oh yeah, right," O'Reilly said.  "I think I can rig the bookshelf for silent running though.  Let me work it out on 'My Very First Calculator'."  O'Reilly closed his eyes and went to work on his calculation, cleansing his mind of all thoughts other than the bookshelf.  When he opened his eyes, the screen was blank.  He banged on it a couple of times to no avail.  He then looked over at baby Treschi playing with his Game Boy.

"Treschi, did you swipe my batteries for your Game Boy?"

"No," Baby Treschi answered.

"Treschi, what did you swipe my batteries for?"

"The Easy Bake Oven," Treschi replied.

"You jerk!  That'll completely drain them!" O'Reilly screamed.

"You shouldn't call people names," Spyder reminded him.

"Shut up Spyder!" they all replied.

"Ve vill not get zhe cookies vith fancy science.  Vee need aktion!" Erich said.

"So what should we do then?" Hex asked.

"Blitzkrieg!!!" Erich said as he stormed the bookshelf and started to climb.  "And vhen I have gotten zhe cookies, zhey vill all be mine!"

"I don't think so, Shake 'n Bake!" Miro said as he used his Horadrim nanotech powers to give him an atomic wedgie.

"Mien Leimen!!!" Erich Von Shrakenberg screamed as he fell to the floor.

"Alright, enough of this crap!" Miro said as he quickly looked at Spyder, who said nothing.  "What this job needs is a little fire power."  He grabbed his two Nerf 550s and launched a flurry of little yellow balls at the cookie jar, causing it to tip and sway.

"Would you guys keep it down!  I'm trying to take a nap," Baby Xavier said to them as the lid of the cookie jar started to fall.

"TAKE COVER!!!" Alistar yelled then went back to humping his dolly.  But it was too late.  As they all ran, the cookie jar lid came crashing down on poor baby Xavier's head.

"Hey Xavier, you okay?  That was really cool, man," Miro said.

"I'll kill all of you!" Xavier bellowed.  "All I wanted was to finish my nap!  But no, you had to have your cookies!  Now you're gonna pay for it!" he said pulling out his Power Ranger Action Figure that they all feared.  It pulsated with power as it runic carvings glowed with a life of there own.  "Face the wrath of Kuar, the mightiest Power Ranger!"

Then, as he brought it up to slice Miro in half, its power dwindled and faded.  Stunned, he opened up its back to check the batteries.  Expecting to see fresh Energizers, he found generic gray batteries that often came with electronics.

"I used those for my Game Boy," Treschi said not looking up from his game.

As Xavier was walking over to give Treschi's the beating of his life, Hex yelled out, "Hey guys, Erich got to the cookies."  During all the Power Ranger commotion, nobody had noticed Von Shrakenberg climb up to the top of the bookshelf.

"Hey fellas, zhere are no cookies in here!" Erich exclaimed.

"Bullshit!  Don't hold out on us!" Miro yelled.

"I'm not, zhere are no cookies here," Erich repeated.

"Oh yeah, then let us smell your breath," Hex said.

"No, I don't think so," Erich said.

"You greedy kraut bastard!  You ate all our cookies!!!" Miro said as he started to shake the bookshelf.

Baby Von Shrakenberg was holding on for dear life.  Eventually he fell off the bookshelf with a dull thud, cradling the empty cookie jar in his arms.  As Miro was about to start pounding on him, Spyder stopped him.  "Wait Miro, the cookie jar is empty.  He wasn't up there long enough to eat them all."

"Yes, like I said, I did not hold out on you," Erich said.

"Then why didn't you want us to smell your breath?" Hex asked.

Erich's face turned bright red.  "Because ve Germans don't like to brush our teeth."

Suddenly, O'Reilly noticed a heavenly aroma in the room.  "Do you guys smell that?"

"Yeah," Hex answered, "It smells like fresh baked cookies!  But where is it coming from?"

As soon as he said that, the bell on the Easy Bake Over chimed.  Treschi put down his Game Boy and walked over to it.  "You guys want some cookies?  I warmed them up for us."

Everyone's face dropped.  "When did you swipe the cookies?" Miro asked.

"About an hour ago, when Nanny Marcus was putting them in the jar."

They all gathered around the oven.  When Treschi opened it, it was empty except for one lone cookie.  "What the hell?  They were in here a minute ago."

"You jerk!  You ate them all except for one so it would make that nice cookie smell, didn't you!" Miro accused.

"No, I swear!  They should all be in here!"  Treschi sweated.

"And then you would have blamed it on one of us," Hex accused.  "Who was it going to be?  Me, Miro, Xavier?"

"No, please, I didn't!" Treschi backpeddled.

"Let's get him!" Spyder yelled, tackling him to the floor.  Everybody in the room proceeded to pile on top of Treschi, pummeling him.  This continued until Nanny Marcus entered the room.

"What's going on here kids?" Nanny Marcus asked.

Miro was the first one up.  "Treschi ate all the cookies Nanny Marcus."  All the others nodded in agreement.

"Treschi, is this true?" Nanny Marcus asked.

"No Nanny, please.  I was framed!" he pleaded.

"Oh, I've heard that one before.  Come with me young man, you're getting punished."

"Oh, man!" Treschi said as he was dragged out of the room by his ear.

As this happened, baby Alistar stopped humping his doll long enough to see Treschi leave the room.  I'm so cool, he thought, I just sit here humping this doll.  I don't even have any lines.  Nobody ever suspects the guy humping the doll, he thought as he finished the last of the cookies, hidden in his diaper.


Next Week's Episode: A Day at the Zoo


Go back to the Table of Contents Click to go to the next TI Babies episode