Monty Python's Tech Infantry

by Martin Hohner

 

Episode Two: Man's Search for Identity

in the Latter Half of the 23rd Century

 

(A beach on Earth.  An elderly Lwan Eddington is crawling up the beach, apparently the victim of some sort of shipwreck.  As he reaches the camera, he speaks.)

 

LWAN:  It's…

 

ANNOUNCER:  Monty Python's Tech Infantry!

 

(Opening Credits: Techno-thrash remix of John Philip Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" over cartoon showing giant feet stepping on starships.)

 

(Cut to stock film of First Civil War space fighters in a dog-fight.  Heroic war music.)

 

VOICE OVER:  The Adventures of Erich Von Shrakenberg.  Part One - "Erich Dictates a Letter"

 

(Mix through to Erich and secretary—Lisa, from Gergentstein's Office—in an office.)

 

ERICH:  (wearing World War One helmet and goggles, for no apparent reason) Miss Bladder, take a letter.

 

SECRETARY:  (wearing something sexy and revealing) Yes, Señor Von Shrakenberg.

 

ERICH:  Don't call me señor!  I'm not a Spanish person.  You must call me Herr Von Shrakenberg, or Fleet Captain Von Shrakenberg, or Johanna Ingolfsson if I'm dressed as my second cousin, but never señor.

 

SECRETARY:  Sorry.

 

ERICH:  I've never even been to Spain.

 

SECRETARY:  You went to Earth a few episodes ago.

 

ERICH:  That's still not grounds for calling me señor, or Don Shrakenberg-o for that matter.  Right, Dear King Horrath III...

 

SECRETARY:  Of the K'Nes Tor, is that?

 

ERICH:  Just put down what I say.

 

SECRETARY:  Do I put that down?

 

ERICH:  Of course you don't put that down.

 

SECRETARY:  Well what about that?

 

ERICH:  Look.  (she types)  Don't put that down.  Just put down… wait a mo, wait a mo... (puts on space helmet with visor)  Now, when I've got this vac helmet on—when I've got this vac helmet on I am dictating, and when I take it off  (takes it off) I am not dictating.

 

SECRETARY:  (types) I am not dictating.

 

ERICH:  What?  (she types; he puts the helmet on)  Read that back.

 

SECRETARY:  Dear King Horrath, I am not dictating.  What?

 

ERICH:  No, no, no, you loopy brothel inmate.

 

SECRETARY:  I've had enough of this.  I am not a courtesan.  (moves round to front of the desk, sits on it and crosses her legs provocatively)

 

ERICH:  Oh, oh, "courtesan," oh aren't we grand.  Harlot's not good enough for us, eh?  Paramour, concubine, Belle du Jour.  That's what we are not.  Well listen to me, you fine fellow, you are a bit of tail, that's what you are.

 

SECRETARY:  I am not, you demented fictional character.

 

ERICH:  Alistar says you are.  He says you're no better than you should be.

 

SECRETARY:  And how would he know?

 

ERICH:  And just what do you mean by that?  Are you calling my old fictional comrade-in-arms a fairy?

 

SECRETARY:  Fairy!  Poof's not good enough for Alistar, is it?  He's got to be a bleedin' fairy.  Mincing old TI queen.  (sits at the desk)

 

ERICH:  (into the intercom)  Alistar, I have to see you.

 

ALISTAR:  (Wearing "Dead Boy" nanotech power armor, looking very butch)  Right ho.  (he enters)  What ho, everyone.

 

ERICH:  Are you gay?

 

ALISTAR:  I should bally well say so, old fruit!

 

ERICH:  Ugh!  (he shoots him)  Dear King Horrath... oh...  (takes the helmet off)  Dear King Horrath.  (the secretary types)  Just a line to thank you for the eels.  Johanna thought they were really scrummy, comma, so did I full stop.  I've just heard that Alistar was a poof, exclamation mark.  What would Uncle Karl have said, question mark.  Sorry to mench, but if you've finished with the lawn edger, could you pop it in the post.  Love Erich, Alistar deceased, and Herb.  Herbert!  (puts the helmet on)

 

SECRETARY:  What?

 

ERICH:  (into the intercom)  Herbert.

 

HERBERT:  Hello, sweetie.

 

ERICH:  I have to see you.

 

(The door opens, Herbert enters as a terrible poof in camp flying gear, sequins, eye make-up, silver stars on his cheeks.)

 

HERBERT:  Yes, Erich?

 

ERICH:  Are you a poof?

 

HERBERT:  (camp outrage) I should say not.

 

ERICH:  Thank God for that.  Good lad.  (Herbert exits)  Stout fellow, salt of the earth, backbone of Earth Fleet.  Funny, he looks like a poof.  (takes off the helmet)  Dear Arthur Clarke.

 

(Cartoon Tony the Tiger enters from cupboard.)

TONY:  They'rrrrrrrrre Grrrrrrrrreat!

 

ERICH:  Get back in the cupboard you Cartoon Tiger! (he goes)

 

(Quick cut to a Horadrim.)

HORADRIM:  (Hissing)  lllleeeeemmmmmoooonnnn ccccuuuurrrrryyyy?

 

(Cut back to Erich.)

ERICH:  Dear real Arthur Clarke, thank you for the eels, full stop.  They were absolutely delicious and unmistakably dead, full stop.  Sorry to mench but, if you've finished with the hairdryer, could you pop it in the post?  Yours fictionally, Erich.  Oh, P.S. - See you at the Vorheis-Dunmeyer canasta evening.  (puts the helmet on)  That should puzzle him.

 

SECRETARY:  (sexily)  Si, Senior Eric!

 

ERICH:  Silence, naughty lady of the night!

 

(Bring up heroic music and mix through to stock film of space fighters in dog-fight.)

 

VOICE OVER:  Next week, Part Two – "Erich Flies Undone"

 

(Mix through space fighters to shot of stars in empty space.  Pan across to space station in orbit over Avalon.  Preparations for an expedition are underway.  Equipment being loaded into assault transports, etc.  Zoom camera into a viewport in the station, and into the docking bay.   An interviewer walks into shot.)

 

INTERVIEWER:  Hello.  All the activity you can see in progress here is part of the intricate... aah!  (he steps onto the prehensile tail of a passing were-creature, but continues nonchalantly on)  …preparations for the Earth Fleet Expedition to Fieras III.  The leader of the expedition is Admiral Karl Von Shrakenberg (the interviewer in slightly different spot with the admiral; we now see that the interviewer has an eye-patch and a sword). Admiral Von Shrakenberg, what is the purpose of your expedition?

 

KARL:  Well this is a completely untamed planet with like hitherto unclassified alien life man, so the whole scene's wide open for a military expedition.

 

INTERVIEWER:  (now with a werewolf bodyguard dancing around him)  One can see the immense amount of preparation involved.  Have there been many difficulties in setting up this venture?

 

KARL:  (with 'Fleet-lib' badge)  Well the real hang-up was with the bread man but when the top brass pigs came through we got it together in a couple of moons.  Commodore Erich Von Shrakenberg, who's a real silicon-head, has got it together logistics-wise and like the whole gig's been a real gas man.

 

INTERVIEWER:  (now with Raptors Beret hat)  Thank you.  (and power armor).  Lieutenant Commander Johanna Ingolfsson…

 

WEREWOLF BODYGUARD:  TIME TO RAGE!!!!!!!

 

INTERVIEWER:  (now with Arthur Clarke tiger stripes painted on his armor)  Johanna, you're in charge of security and liaison for this operation.

 

JOHANNA:  Right on.  (she is smoking something and is really stoned)

 

INTERVIEWER:  You've kept this all rather hush-hush so far, shipmate.

 

JOHANNA:  Yeah, it's been really heavy man with all these freaks from the fascist press trying to blow the whole scene.

 

INTERVIEWER:  (to camera)  There's no doubt about it, this expedition does have some rather unusual aspects, Treschi, lad.  For a first, why does the senior personnel all bear the names of S.M. Stirling characters... and evil Draka ones at that (starts growling and slowly shifting into Chrinos form as a were-tiger), and secondly, I be not afraid of thee Rashid King... why do they talk this rather strange, stilted, underground jargon, I'LL GET YOU, MARK SMITH, AND YOUR LITTLE SWORD TOO!  (he is hit by a dart)  Argh!  A tranquillizing dart fired by the cowardly Federation Internal Security dogs... they've done filled me full of chlorpromazine.  Damn!

 

(He falls. A second interviewer comes into shot and catches the microphone.)

 

SECOND INTERVIEWER:  I'm sorry about my colleague's rather unconventional behavior.

 

UNCLE KARL:  (running towards the camera)  The Fleet's out of sight man come together with the EF it's really something other than else!

 

(Animated psychedelic advert for the Earth Fleet.  Star Contol ships fire brightly-colored flowers with their mass drivers, and shaggy-bearded men in Fleet uniform dance around, grooving to the retro music.  End on a animated man with a fleet uniform and shaggy beard)

 

ANIMATED VOICE:  Can you dig it, man?

 

(Cut back to second interviewer.)

 

SECOND INTERVIEWER:  Hello.  I'm sorry about my colleague's rather unconventional behavior just now, but things haven't been too easy for him recently, trouble at home, rather confidential, so I can't give you all the details... interesting though they are... three bottles of rum with his Weetabix, and so on, anyway... apparently his son wasn't even... anyway, the activity you see behind me... it's Treschi's mother I feel sorry for.  I'll start again.  The activity you see behind me is part of the preparations for the new Naval Expedition to Fieras III.  The officer in charge of this expedition is Grand Fleet Admiral Kristen Vorheis.  Admiral Vorheis, hello there.

 

VORHEIS:  Ah, hello.  Well first of all I'd like to apologize for the behavior of certain of my colleagues you may have seen earlier, but they are from broken homes, Germans and so on and they are in no way representative of the new modern improved Earth Fleet.  They are a small vociferous minority; and may I take this opportunity of emphasizing that there is no cannibalism in Earth Fleet.  Absolutely none, and when I say none, I mean there is a certain amount, more than we are prepared to admit, but all new ratings are warned that if they wake up in the morning and find any toothmarks at all anywhere on their bodies, they're to tell me immediately so that I can immediately take every measure to hush the whole thing up.  And, finally, necrophilia is right out.  (the interviewer keeps nodding but looks embarrassed)  Now, this expedition is primarily to investigate reports of cannibalism and necrophilia in... this expedition is primarily to investigate reports of unusual alien creatures on Fieras III.

 

INTERVIEWER:  And where exactly is this planet?

 

VORHEIS:  Er, 22A, Runcorn Avenue, I think.  Yes, that's right, 22A.

 

INTERVIEWER:  Runcorn Avenue?

 

VORHEIS:  Yes, it's just by Parkinson Square... do you know it?

 

INTERVIEWER:  You mean it's in an ordinary street on Avalon?

 

VORHEIS:  Of course it's not an ordinary street!  It's got a planet in it!

 

INTERVIEWER:  Yes, but I...

 

VORHEIS:  Look, how many streets do you know that have got planets in them?

 

INTERVIEWER:  But you mean... is it very large?

 

VORHEIS:  Of course it's not large, you couldn't get a large planet in Runcorn Avenue!  You'd have to knock down the tobacconist's!  (looking off camera)  Captain Carter... no!

 

(We see a rather sheepish officer about to sink his teeth into a human leg.  Vorheis puts her hand in front of the lens.  Cut to Runcorn Avenue, an ordinary street with houses now turned into condos.  An APC arrives with the equipment.)

 

INTERVIEWER:  I'm now standing in Runcorn Avenue.  Admiral Vorheis... where exactly is the planet?

 

VORHEIS:  Er, well let's see, that's 18... that's 20… so this must be the one.

 

INTERVIEWER:  Er, excuse me...

 

VORHEIS:  Yes, that's the one all right.

 

INTERVIEWER:  But it's an ordinary house.

 

VORHEIS:  Look, I'm getting pretty irritated with this line of questioning.

 

INTERVIEWER:  But it doesn't even look like a planet...

 

VORHEIS:  Look, your whole approach since this interview started has been to mock the Fleet.  When I think that it was for the likes of you that I had both my legs blown off...

 

INTERVIEWER:  (pointing at perfectly healthy legs)  You haven't had both your legs blown off!

 

VORHEIS:  I was talking metaphorically, you fool.  Carter—put that down!  (Carter returns the leg to the APC)  Right, is the equipment ready?

 

LT. HENRI LEFARGE:  Diving equipment all ready man.  (gives hippy salute)

 

VORHEIS:  (warning finger)  Right.  Now quite simply the approach to Fieras III is up the steps, and then we come to the surface of the planet.  Now, I'm going to press the bell just to see if there's anyone in.

 

GENERAL FABIN:  (answering)  Hello?

 

VORHEIS:  Good morning—I'm looking for Fieras III.

 

GENERAL FABIN:  There's a Mr. Fargus...

 

VORHEIS:  No no, a planet.

 

FABIN:  There's no planet here, missy.  This is Runcorn Avenue.  What's the camera doing?

 

AUNTIE SARAH:  (coming out, dressed in leather fetish gear)  Camera?  What's he want?  Oooh, are we on the Tri-D?  (grins at the camera)

 

FABIN:  She's looking for a Planet.

 

VORHEIS:  Fieras III.

 

AUNTIE SARAH:  Oh, you want downstairs, 22A, the basement.

 

VORHEIS:  Ah!  Thank you very much.  Good morning.  Come on men, downstairs.

 

(They walk down to the basement.  The interviewer intercepts Vorheis.)

 

INTERVIEWER:  Were you successful, Admiral Vorheis?

 

VORHEIS:  It's in the basement.

 

INTERVIEWER:  In the basement?  (He sees a werewolf slinking up behind him.)

 

WEREWOLF:  Colonel Clarke?

 

INTERVIEWER:  Eugh! (he shoos him away)

 

(Vorheis goes to the front door of 22a and rings.  Then she looks into the living room through the window.  A middle-aged couple are sitting inside.  The room is full of dark, swirling gas.  The man reads the paper and the woman knits.  Both wear power armor with full breathing apparatus.  Vorheis knocks on the window.  The woman looks up.)

 

VORHEIS:  Hello.

 

WOMAN:  Ooooh.  I think it's someone about the fog.

 

VORHEIS:  Hello.

 

MAN:  Tell 'em about the bleeding rats, too.

 

WOMAN:  I'll go.  (she strides to window and shouts out)  Yes?

 

VORHEIS:  Good morning, is this Fieras III?

 

WOMAN:  Well, I don't know about that, but it's bleeding damp.  Are you from the council?

 

VORHEIS:  No.  We are the official Earth Fleet Expedition to this planet.  May we come in?

 

WOMAN:  Hang on.

 

(She turns around and picks up a big sign showing it to the man.  The sign reads "It's not the council, it's an Earth Fleet Expedition to Fieras III or something and can they come in?".  The man reads the card.  A Soul Eater looks over his shoulder appearing from a cupboard.  The man sees it and hits it with a newspaper.)

 

MAN:  Bloody Rats!

 

WOMAN:  Get in.

 

(He holds up a sign reading "Tell them to go away".  The woman swims to the window and gives the finger to Vorheis.)

 

VORHEIS:  Well, um... that would appear to be the end of the expedition.

 

(Cut to ISN Logo, a spinning earth in computer graphics.)

 

VOICE OVER:  And now a choice of viewing on ISN Holovision.  Just started on ISN2, the second half of Episode 3 of "Tap Pant Desire", staring Richard Chamberlain, Ben Vereen, and Morgan Fairchild, and on ISN1, ''Ethel the Frog".

 

(Introduction sort of music with the caption "ETHEL THE FROG".  Cut to Presenter sitting behind desk)

 

PRESENTER:  Good evening. On "Ethel the Frog" tonight we look at violence.  The violence of the Third Civil War.  Last Tuesday a reign of terror was ended when the notorious "Dead Boys" Brigade, led by Alistar Dimiye and Malachi Spyder, after one of the most extraordinary battles in Earth Federation history, were captured and sentenced to 400 years imprisonment for treason against the Federation.  We examined the rise to prominence of the Dead Boys, the methods they used to attack Federation worlds, and their subsequent tracking down and capture by the brilliant Colonel Andrea "The Jackal" Treschi of the Raptors.  Alistar Dimiye was born, on probation, in this small house (pic of small house) on Port Arthur, the eldest son in a family of sixteen.  His father Demetri Dimiye, a gasoline futures trader and TV quizmaster, was well known to the police, and a devout Catholic.  In 2218 he had married Tonya Kraskiewicz, an up-and-coming Bantamweight boxer.  Alistar was born in February 2219 and Malachi Spyder down the street two weeks later; and again a week after that.  Someone who remembers them well was their next door neighbor, Mrs. Tess Reichenspurger.

.

MRS. REICHENSPURGER:  Oh yes, Rozhdestvenski Square was a typical Port Arthur neighborhood, people were in and out of each other's houses with each other's property all day.  They were a cheery lot.

 

INTERVIEWER:  Was it a terribly violent area?

 

MRS. REICHENSPURGER:  Oh no... yes.  Cheerful and violent.  I remember Alistar was very keen on boxing, but when he learned to walk he took up putting the boot in the groin.  He was very interested in that.  His mother had a terrible job getting him to come in for tea.  Putting his little boot in he'd be, bless him.  All the kids were like that then, they didn't have their heads stuffed with all this loyalty to the Grand Council.

 

PRESENTER:  At the age of fifteen, Alistar and Malachi started attending the Bruce Von Eisenstein Primary School in Darien.  When the two boys left school they were called up for military service, but were found by a Tech Infantry Recruitment Board to be too unstable even for Federal Service.  Denied the opportunity to use their talents in the service of their species, they began to operate what they called "The Operation"...  They would select a victim and then threaten to beat him up if he paid the so-called protection money.  Four months later they started another operation which they called "The Other Operation".  In this racket, they selected another victim and threatened not to beat him up if he didn't pay them.  On month later they hit upon "The Other Other Operation".  In this, the victim was threatened that if he didn't pay them, they would beat him up.  This, for the Boys, was the turning point.

 

(Cut to Colonel Treschi- Subtitle: "Andrea 'The Jackal' Treschi")

 

TRESCHI:  Dimiye and Spyder now formed a gang, which they called "The Dead Boys" and used terror to take over night clubs, billiard halls, gaming casinos, and race tracks.  When they tried to take over the planet Hadley they were, for the only time in their lives, slit up a treat.  As their empire spread however, we in the Raptors were keeping tabs on their every move by reading the color supplements.

 

PRESENTER:  One small-time operator who fell afoul of Alistar Dimiye was Peter Benjamin.

 

BENJAMIN:  Well one day I was at home, threatening the kids, when I looks out through the hole in the wall and sees this hovertank pull up and out gets one of Dimiye's boys.  So he comes in nice and friendly, and says Dimiye wants to have a word with me.  So he chains me to the back of the tank and takes me for a scrape round to Dimiye's place and Dimiye's there in the conversation pit with Spyder and Aaron Crowfoot, the Spirit Mage, and two film producers and a man they called Bobolink who just sat there biting the heads off ferrets, and Dimiye says, 'I hear you've been a naughty boy, Anselm,' and he splits me nostrils open and saws me leg off and pulls me liver out and I tell him my name's not Anselm and then...  he loses his temper and nails me head to the floor.

 

INTERVIEWER:  He nailed your head to the floor?

 

BENJAMIN:  At first, yeah.

 

PRESENTER:  Another person who had her head nailed to the floor was Tamara Kromminga.

 

INTERVIEWER:  I've been told Alistar Dimiye nailed your head to the floor.

 

TAMARA:  No.  Never.  He was a smashing bloke.  He used to buy his mother flowers and that.  He was like a brother to me.

 

INTERVIEWER:  But the police have film of Dimiye actually nailing your head to the floor.

 

TAMARA:  (pause)  Oh yeah, he did that.

 

INTERVIEWER:  Why?

 

TAMARA:  Well he had to, didn't he?  I mean there was nothing else he could do, be fair.  I had betrayed the Emergency Council.

 

INTERVIEWER:  What had you done?

 

TAMARA:  Er... well, he didn't tell me that, but he gave me his word that it was the case, and that's good enough for me with old Dimsy.  I mean, he didn't want to nail my head to the floor.  I had to insist.  He wanted to let me off.  He'd do anything for you, Alistar would.

 

INTERVIEWER:  And you don't bear him a grudge?

 

TAMARA:  A grudge!  Old Dimsy?  He was a real darling.

 

INTERVIEWER:  I understand he also nailed your sister's head to a coffee table.  Isn't that true, Mrs. Kromminga?

 

MRS. KROMMINGA : (With a coffee table still nailed to the top of her head) No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

 

TAMARA:  Well, he did do that, yeah.  He was a hard man.  Vicious but fair.

 

(Cut back to Benjamin)

 

INTERVIEWER:  Peter, after he nailed your head to the floor, did you ever see him again?

 

BENJAMIN:  Yeah... after that I used to go round his quarters every Sunday lunchtime to apologize and we'd shake hands and then he'd nail my head to the floor.

 

INTERVIEWER:  Every Sunday?

 

BENJAMIN:  Yeah, but he was very reasonable.  Once, one Sunday when my parents were coming round for tea, I asked him if he'd mind very much not nailing my head to the floor that week, and he agreed, and just screwed my pelvis to a cake stand.

 

PRESENTER:  Clearly Dimiye inspired tremendous fear among his business associates.  But what was he really like?

 

MAEGWIN HARRINGTON : (Richard Fox in a bad wig, affecting a falsetto voice)  I walked out with Dimiye on many occasions and found him a charming and erudite companion.  He was wont to introduce one to eminent celebrities, celebrated Jurvain singers, members of the aristocracy, and other TI troopers.

 

INTERVIEWER:  (off screen)  How had he met them?

 

MAEGWIN:  Through his work for charities.  He took a warm interest in Boys' Clubs, Sailors' Homes, Choristers' Associations, and the Council Guards.

 

INTERVIEWER:  Was there anything unusual about him?

 

MAEGWIN:  I should say not!  Except that Dimiye was convinced that he was being watched by a spectral werewolf whom he referred to as "Polaris".

 

INTERVIEWER:  How big was Polaris supposed to be?

 

MAEGWIN:  Normally Polaris was wont to be about twelve feet from snout to tail, but when Dimiye was depressed, Polaris could be anything up to eight hundred yards long.  When Polaris was about, Dimiye would go very quiet and start wobbling and his nose would swell up and his teeth would move about and he'd get very violent and claim that he'd laid Auntie Sarah.

 

INTERVIEWER:  Did it worry you that he, for example, stitched people's legs together?

 

MAEGWIN:  Well it's better than bottling it up, isn't it?  He was a gentleman, Dimiye, and what's more he knew how to treat a female impersonator.

 

PRESENTER:  But what do the criminologists think?  We asked Thomas Delarossa.

 

DELAROSSA:  It is easy for us to judge Alistar Dimiye too harshly.  After all, he only did what many of us simply dream of doing... (gazes distractedly off into the distance for a bit) I'm sorry.  After all, we should remember that a murderer is only an extroverted suicide.  Dimiye was a loony, but he was a happy loony.  (looks distracted again)  Lucky bugger…

 

PRESENTER:  Most of the strange tales concern Dimiye, but what about Spyder?  One man who met him was Max Thames.

 

THAMES:  I had been running a successful escort agency—high class, no really, high class girls—we didn't have any of that.  That was right out.  And I decided… (phone rings)  Excuse me…  (he answers phone)  Hello... no, not now... shtoom... shtoom... right... yes, we'll have the watch ready for you at midnight... the watch... the K'Nes Tor watch... yes, right-oh, bye-bye, Xinjao!  (he hangs up phone)  Anyway, I decided to open a high class night club for the gentry at Cornell with interplanetary cuisine and cooking and top line acts, and not a cheap clip joint for picking up tarts—that was right out, I deny that completely—and one evening in walks Dimiye with a couple of big lads in power armor, one of whom was carrying a tactical nuclear missile.  They said I had bought one of their H-90 Rifles and would I pay for it.

 

INTERVIEWER:  How much did they want?

 

THAMES:  They wanted three quarters of a million credits.

 

INTERVIEWER:  Why didn't you call the Light Infantry police?

 

THAMES:  Well I had noticed that the lad with the thermonuclear device was the chief constable for the area.  So a week later they called again and told me the check had bounced and said...  I had to see... Spyder.

 

INTERVIEWER:  Spyder?

 

THAMES:  Spyder.  (takes a drink)  Well, I was terrified.  Everyone was terrified of Spyder.  I've seen grown men pull their own heads off rather than see Spyder.  Even Dimiye was frightened of Spyder.

 

INTERVIEWER:  What did he do?

 

THAMES:  He used… sarcasm.  He knew all the tricks—dramatic irony, metaphor, pathos, puns, parody, litotes, and… satire.  He was vicious.

 

PRESENTER:  By a combination of violence and sarcasm, the Dead Boys by June of 2243 controlled Epsilon and the Southwest quadrant of the Federation.  It was in July, though, that Dimiye made a big mistake.

 

MAEGWIN:  Latterly Dimiye had become increasingly worried about Polaris.  He had come to the conclusion that Polaris slept in a docking bay at Archimedes Shuttle Transfer Station.

 

PRESENTER:  And so on July 22^nd, 2243, Dimiye blew up the Ark.  (shot of a space station exploding)  Even the Federation began to sit up and take notice.

 

(Cut back to Andrea "The Jackal" Treschi)

 

TRESCHI:  The Dead Boys realized they had gone too far and that the hunt was on.  They went into hiding.  I decided on a subtle approach, viz some form of disguise, as the old vac helmet and jackboots are a bit of a giveaway.  Luckily, my years with Kentucky Children's Television stood me in good stead, as I assumed a bewildering variety of disguises.  I tracked them to Wilke's Star, posing as a simple smuggler.  Hearing they'd gone back to Avalon, I assumed the identity of a TI Captain named Angelo.  On my arrival in Avalon, I discovered they had retreated to New Africa, I followed as Gloucester from 'King Lear.'  Acting on a hunch I spent several months in the Eastern Bloc as Blind Pew, returning through the Fieras Jumpgate as Ratty, in "Toad of Toad Hall".  Back in the Capital, I relived my triumph as Sancho Panza in "Man of la Mancha" which the New Tokyo Argus described as "a glittering performance of rare perception," although the Avalon Times-World was less than enthusiastic.  In fact, it gave me a right panning.  I quote...

 

VOICE OVER:  As for the performance of Colonel "Andrea Treschi" as Sancho Panza, the audience were bemused by his high-pitched Italian accent and intimidated by his abusive ad-libs.

 

TRESCHI:  (off screen) The Gabriel's Trumpet said...

 

VOICE OVER:  "Sancho Panza (Mr. Treschi) spoilt an otherwise impeccably choreographed rape scene by his unscheduled appearance and persistent cries of 'What's all this then?' "

 

(Cut to back stage dressing room where Andrea Treschi and a Raptor in full Power Armor are doing their makeup in front of mirrors)

 

RAPTOR:  Never mind, Jackal love, you can't win 'em all.

 

TRESCHI:  True, corporal.  Could I have my eye-liner please?

 

2^nd RAPTOR:  Telegram for you, love.

 

TRESCHI:  Good-oh!  Bet it's from Veolin.

 

2^nd RAPTOR:  Those flowers are for Sergeant-major Luthor—from the gentleman waiting outside.

 

TRESCHI:  Oh good.

 

(There is a knock at the door.  A man pokes his head in)

 

MAN:  Thirty seconds, colonel!

 

TRESCHI:  Oh blimey, I'm on.  Is me hat on straight, constable?

 

RAPTOR:  Oh, it's fine.

 

TRESCHI:  Right, here we go then, Hawkins.

 

RAPTOR:  Oh, merde Colonel!

 

TRESCHI:  Good luck then.

 

(Cut to exterior of Raptor HQ.  Treschi and the Raptor walk down stairs and then along pavement.  Nanny Marcus from "TI Babies" walks by wearing a nun's habit and leading a group of Toddlers dressed like the girls in "Madeline".  Cut to a Newspaper seller)

 

NEWSPAPER SELLER:  Read all about it!  Dead Boys escape!  (Cut to suburban street, with people clearing the streets very fast.  Cut to a picture of an empty street.  A very large werewolf in Crinos form peers over the houses looking for Dimiye)

 

POLARIS:  Dimiye?

 

(Roll End Credits.  As Credits roll, cut between various scenes of landmarks in Avalon City, with Polaris peeking above each one in turn and calling for Dimiye)