Newsletter #2: Free Net Newscast – February 2nd, 2265

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ANNOUNCER

This is FNN – the Free Net Newscast for February 2^nd, 2265. And now—the Rest of the Story, with Lance Cannon.

LANCE

Thank you for tuning in to FNN, your source for news from all those hiding out in G2 to those in A6… being eaten, I guess… and everywhere in-between. I’m Lance Cannon, but let me just introduce my co-host, my brother from another mother, the Horse!

HORSE

I’m gonna make you eat that nickname, Lance.

LANCE

But before we do that, let’s hit that news, shall we?

HORSE

This isn’t over… (cut off by  sound effect – guy getting electrocuted)

Fine. Be that way. The Terran Republic reported today that Kazimir Vitek was killed today. The Executive Committee will be swearing in the Vice-Chairman, one….

LANCE

Who cares, Horse! Without Vitek, let’s just scratch the Republic off the map for good! Bunch of damn warlords killing each other on top of anthill.

HORSE
The Executive Committee says that the Republic will continue…

LANCE

But who’s gonna fill Vitek’s shoes?

HORSE
They were only Size 11…

LANCE
Figuratively speaking, Horse. I mean, Vitek had star power, baby! Who are they gonna get? Saito-Sato?

HORSE

Gesundheit.

LANCE

No, that’s the guy running Jennifer’s Star.

HORSE

Well, the Executive Committee says Vice-Chair Yora Vivas…

LANCE

Who?

HORSE

Yora Vivas. L-L-O-R-A. It’s a Catalan name.

LANCE

Funny, never heard of the Catalan system.

HORSE
That’s because it was on Earth, Lance.

LANCE

Whatever. So how fast do you think Yora will snuff it?

HORSE

Give her a week. She’ll either step down or get stepped on.

LANCE

(pause) Was that a joke?

HORSE
Common sense. Everyone knows Roimata ain’t gonna step up to the Chairmanship, so Yora is a reasonable choice. Runs the Hadley system, good Resistance creds, and doesn’t tick off the Asians.

LANCE

The old Eastern Bloc guys, huh? Well, you can’t get better horse sense than that. (Horse sound effect.)

HORSE

I wanna be “Cannon” instead. Horse is stupid.

LANCE
Cannon’s my last name. Ain’t giving that up.

HORSE

That’s not your last name. Your last name is really… (cut off by We are the Champions) 0:34 Chairman Smythe of the Earth Federation has announced that they have liberated Minos from the Holy Terran Empire. They’ve also claimed the Tarkin system, but that claim is being disputed by the Ministry of Public Safety.

LANCE

Well, when you got the largest fleet in known space, you can go anywhere you want. If the Earth Fleet wants to occupy that pile of rocks we call Tarkin, the Ministry ain’t gonna stop ‘em.

HORSE

But it’s only one fleet, Lance. The Imperial Court responded with the report that Kalintos has officially joined the Holy Terran Empire. The Emperor granted the system as a fief Count Fearghal and House Moon.

LANCE

Who comes up with these names?!

HORSE
You’re gonna complain about goofy names, Lance?

LANCE
Uh… (pause) So while the Fed’s bashing in the front door, the Empire’s bashing in the back?

HORSE

They’re bashing everywhere, Lance. Unconfirmed reports indicate that Hadrian and Wolf systems are under attack by elements of the Imperial Army. With the shakeup at the top, no one at the Republic will comment on those rumors.

LANCE

Getting caught with their pants down? Yeah, I wouldn’t want to admit that either.

(sound effect of Money song) 0:47

HORSE

The K’Nes Llan have announced that they’ve just signed a non-aggression pact with the Jurvain and the Ministry of Public Safety. They say they want to create a free trade zone all throughout the galactic east.

LANCE

Okay – I call a ban on the term “galactic east.” There is no east in space. Pretending that we’re using a flat map to chart star systems is ludicrous.

HORSE

Well, what you call it?

LANCE

The spiral arm? The Jurvain March? The Rim? I don’t know, come up with something.

HORSE

Wait a minute, I’m looking this up here. Ah, NetDefs says that the term galactic east was first used back in 2242, a technical term meaning 90 degrees from Earth as it relates to the galactic core.

LANCE

Used by whom?

HORSE

Um… doesn’t say.

LANCE

Okay, even if it’s 90 degrees from the core based on Earth, that includes the Ministry and the cats, but it certainly doesn’t include the Jurvain.

HORSE

That’s right - it’s Cartography Talk time!

LANCE

Very funny, Horse, but I’m tired of people using crappy terms. We need a new term. The Jurvain aren’t in the Galactic East.

HORSE

They’re in the Galactic southeast?

LANCE

Yes! (pause) No! You see what I mean?

HORSE

You want me to move on from the cat story or do you want to keep talking maps?

LANCE

No, this makes perfect sense for the Cats. You can be sure those floating nuisances are making a killing on this deal.

HORSE

Where there’s a cat, there’s cash.

(sound effect of Shadow ships) ***

Keeping in the galac…

LANCE

Don’t-you-say it…

HORSE

Fine. The Jurvain Commonality report that they have invaded the Exnium system are proceeding to eradicate the Bug menace from those system.

LANCE

Wait, the skinnies don’t even have a fleet to defend themselves. How are they getting the firepower to attack Bug systems?

HORSE

(pause) That’s what the report says, Lance.

LANCE

No, no, no… there’s something else to this story we ain’t getting. What’s in the Exnium system, Horse?

HORSE

A whole lotta bugs.

LANCE

But no one attacks Bug space without a damn good reason. I tell ya, there’s something in that system they don’t want us to know about.

(sound effect of the Imperial March)

HORSE

The former governor of Wilke’s Star, Kee Vang, has declared his system a free state. They intend to remain neutral in any fighting, allowing free trade and passage of military and civilian craft to all who wish to pass through.

LANCE

Isn’t that a recipe for disaster?

HORSE

No, they’re serious.

LANCE

Come on – one fleet goes awry, blows your planet to hell, good bye “free state.”

HORSE

I asked the same question, Lance. Turns out they are rumored to have access to an immense arsenal of planetary defenses, left over from the Fleet depot that was placed there under Clarke.

LANCE

Then why aren’t they conquering the universe?

HORSE

Doesn’t say. My guess is that with the small population on Wilke’s Star, they don’t have the manpower to sail those ships.

LANCE

Yeah – ‘cause they all got drained by the vampires living there. That’s vamp heaven there!

HORSE

You ever been to Wilke’s Star, Lance? It’s not close to anyone’s idea of heaven.

LANCE

But everyone knows, Horse, that the Sabbat have been in and out of there for decades now. I bet this Kaj… uh, Kai…

HORSE

It’s pronounced “Kee.”

LANCE

What, another “Catalan” name?

HORSE

Nope – Swedish.

LANCE

(pause) I swear you make this (bleep) up!

HORSE

Fine – don’t believe me. And that’s all for the news.

LANCE

You got some sports news? Something to take our mind off the death and destruction?

HORSE

Sure do, Lance. (soccer sound effect)  In interleague play, the Hadrian Vampires got beaten in extra time by the Ashdown Werecats, 9 to 10.

LANCE

Didn’t soccer scores used to be smaller?

HORSE

Before they allowed werecreatures to play, sure they did. But you wouldn’t get those spectacular kicks like Bishop did in that game, mid-air, BAM! Right past the Vampires’ goalie, D’Argent.

LANCE

You’d think you’d have a werebear as a goalie.

HORSE

Not with a ground speed of 60 kilometers per hour; they want them as strikers. Besides, have you ever tried to take a ball from a bear?

LANCE

Uh… good point – what’s the other scores?

HORSE

Well, in Gray Memorial Stadium, the Jennifer’s Star Scyrs sailed past the New Tokyo Managers, 10 to 8

LANCE

Now this I’m interested in. The captain of the Scyrs is a freakin’ psycho! And what is with a team called the Managers?

HORSE

Well, I’m imagining they’re gonna get promoted soon. They say their star kicker, Andy, is getting out of his slump and ready to kick some goals again.

LANCE

Yeah, if he can get past the mages in the backfield, that little human’s got what it takes.

HORSE

And finally, the Rios Cyborgs tied up with the Purrfang Cats at 8 points each.

LANCE

Now I for one was against having K’Nes in the great game, but you can’t argue with success.

HORSE

That you can’t, Lance. And that’s the… Rest of the Story, with Lance Cannon.

LANCE

That’s MY line!

HORSE

I’m Horse, off to get a new nickname. Bye for now!

ANNOUNCER

And that’s the Free Net Newscast – stayed tuned for Top Flight, our weekly broadcast talking about the latest in personal starcraft you can never hope to buy… (static)